Doctor, I need your help.

I am not attracted to anyone in my area, not a single one. It’s either the horrible voice or being underweight or overweight, or the terrible personality (I have this one)

It honestly seems like everyone sucks where I am, and it’s the exact same no matter what area I am in.

I have a weekly D&D game and that’s about the extent of my socialising, most of my time is just spent on my computer. Women are an alien species for me, and not the interesting ones with mind powers or incredibly advanced machinery or powerful magics. They’re the boring kind who the whole movie would be spent trying to communicate with them

It also doesn’t help I’ve never asked anyone out yet and likely never will due to the potential reaction (I. E. Public shaming.)

I’m disconcerted by the fact that I am attracted to NO ONE. What the hell kind of robot brain do I have where that is even possible,

It also doesn’t help that I trust very few people outside of my immediate family, and I’mm constantly on my guard for no good reason. I’ve been using dating sites, but even when I see someone with my interests, I pass them as I don’t believe that it is a real profile ( most of the dating profile I’ve seen are blank or nothing of significance) Furthermore, I strongly believe that most dating profiles are elaborate catfishes.

On another note, I am certain that no one is attracted to me, and if anyone asks me out, it is some form of trick.

More to the point, how can I actually care about freaking anything, I say that as my life has ground to a halt, am too busy with school to make any significant changes and I’m sick of the rat race already and I’m not even working yet.

I would love to switch places with me in an alternate universe where I’m a success living in the biggest mansion in the world, but dimensional travellers are played out, just like time travellers (it’s such a bad idea)

I don’t know, I don’t want to be a loser my whole life, but I have no idea how to change this. I’ve been like this so long that I find it difficult to change anything.

Thank you for your assistance

Tired Man

There’s a lot going on here, TM and I think a lot of it is outside what I can do for you. A lot of what I see here are things that are beyond my pay grade. You don’t really need a loudmouth with a blog, you need a counselor or therapist to talk through some of this. Now, what I can tell you is that your issue is one I’ve heard before. Part of the problem sounds to me like a form of anxiety. People tend to think of anxiety as near heart-attacks and freak-outs, when it can manifest in a lot of different ways – low-key dread, a sense of impending doom, belief that everyone is lying to you…

I mean, stop me if this sounds familiar.

Another part of anxiety is how it can lead to avoidance behaviors; you (general you, not you, TM) live in fear of the possibility of an anxiety attack and so you find ways to avoid it ever being a possibility. You find reasons to avoid situations or people because of the stress or the potential of something going horribly wrong.

But I think the big reason why you don’t like the people around you… mostly seems to be that you don’t really like yourself. Like Baleful Eye back in October, you sound like you’ve got a lot of internalized self-loathing, which is often a symptom of depression – something that tends to come as part of the sucky benefits package of anxiety. It’s easier to dismiss the people around you as fakes, phonies and scam artists than to let them get close to you and risk the inevitable rejection that obviously will be coming because hey, who could possibly be interested in someone as awful as you.

And I have to tell you: I have been there, I have done that and I know that particular feeling very well. I’ve dealt with chronic depression for most of my life and I can tell you first hand: there is no voice more believable than the one depression uses because it’s your voice. It’s dripping poison in your ear, jabbing you in all of the places that you are the most sensitive because it knows damned good and well where you have the least armor. It crawls into your head and tells you that your worthless, that there’s no point to anything, that there’s nothing that you could do. There’s no point in trying because nothing can change or improve. This is your life and it will be this bad or worse until the end.

But here’s the thing: anxiety is a liar. Depression is a liar. It is bullshit that only sounds like truth because it tells you things that you fear, and it does so with your voice. Change is possible. Improvement is possible. I can tell you this with 100% certainty because hey, I’ve done it. I have been where you are, I have been in the hole you are in right now and I have climbed the ever-loving fuck out.

I won’t lie to you: it’s hard. It’s maddening even. It takes a lot of work and – worse – a lot of random chance. One of the frustrating things about depression and anxiety is that they’re all so damn personal that there’s no one way to deal with it. For some, cognitive behavioral therapy works. Talk therapy works for others. Still others need medication to get the worst of it under control… and even then, it takes time to find the medication and the dosage that works for you. And some people need a combination of all of the above.

And you know what: that’s fine. Finding that one way didn’t work for you doesn’t mean that you’re a hopeless case, it just means that you need a different form of help. The important part is getting help in the first place.

Now, I’ve got a few things that I’ve found help get your brain under control that may be worth trying to take the edge off things, but honestly, you need to be talking to a proper therapist. You’re in college which can actually make things easier; you have access to health services through your school, which often includes mental health. And if they don’t have someone on campus, they can almost certainly recommend someone to you. But keep in mind: just as in dating, having a connection with your therapist is important. If you two aren’t clicking and you don’t feel that they understand you or aren’t giving you the help that you need, you can find someone else. Don’t be afraid to advocate for your own needs; you know what’s going on in your head better than anyone else.

This will get better. Once you get some of this under control, I think you’ll find your outlook on life, the universe and everything changing for the better.

It will be ok.

All will be well.

Hi Doc,

I have been dating this guy for the past 1 year, and I really think he is the one. But he had this theatre production to manage intensely for a week, and he fell in love with one of his colleagues. However, he maintains the fact that when he realised he fell in love with her, he never acted upon it and chose to stay with me. He says that for him, it is not considered cheating and that he did nothing wrong.

Yet, we have completely different ideals. I don’t believe in how one person can be in love with two people at the same time, whereas he says his heart is big enough for it. Isn’t falling in love with another person while being attached cheating? Doesn’t it mean that I am not enough for him? But he keeps saying that he has never compared the two of us, and I am enough for him. So why did he fall in love with her? He says that he cannot control how his heart feels but it sounds so wrong.

I love him so much, but if I stay with him, I will be compromising my biggest ideal, which is to love one only.
What do I do? I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t know if I should be compromising on what i believe very deeply.

Sick At Heart

A couple of things, SAH. First and foremost: I think your boyfriend needs to dial shit back a little. What you describe sounds way more like a crush or infatuation than love. Not that this makes it any easier on you, granted, but a week is pretty damn fast to suddenly decide you’re in love with someone. Something tells me that he’s feeling that crush and rounding up… like, a lot. And, honestly? The dude would’ve been better off keeping that to himself.

I think his dumping this on you introduced a lot of unnecessary anxiety and drama into your relationship – drama that could’ve been avoided if he’d kept his damn mouth shut about it. Because, straight talk: if nothing happened, then there’s really nothing to report.  Relationships aren’t court depositions; you don’t need to tell your partner literally everything. You have a right to not know things – the fact that your boyfriend was infatuated with someone for a hot minute is one of them.

But let’s talk about things from your end, SAH. You are someone who’s solidly monogamous and that’s awesome. But one of the things that people tend to get wrong about monogamy is what it entails. Monogamy just means that you have agreed to not date or sleep with someone else. It doesn’t say a thing about not wanting to. Because here’s the thing: asking whether this means you aren’t enough for him is asking the wrong question. No one person can be all things to their partner; we as a species are built for wanting variety. He’s going to find himself attracted to other people, just as you are going to find yourself attracted to other people on occasion as well. There will be a point where you realize that you’ve got a crush or some heart flutters or pants-feelings for someone else too. This is perfectly normal and natural and happens all the time. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love him enough or he doesn’t love you enough. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with your relationship or that you’re not doing enough to make things work. All those random crushes tell you is that you’re both humans and humans – like bonobos and dolphins – like bangin’.

Now if we move from the groin to the heart… well, that’s where things are complicated too. Now, obviously, people are capable of loving more than one person at a time; families and friendships are predicated on this after all. But in terms of romantic love? Yeah, there’re folks out there who have romantic connections with more than one person. Some folks have a lot of love to give or a lot of room for other partners in their lives. This doesn’t mean they love any one of them any less. That’s just how they work, romantically. This is neither good nor bad; it’s just how they are. There are a lot of books out there on non-monogamous relationships and polyamory if you want to learn more about how it works, but the short version is: there are plenty of people out there who have mutually fulfilling romantic relationships with more than one person at the same time. The style and shape of the relationship can vary (rather drastically at times) but the core remains the same as what you have with your boyfriend. Just with a larger cast is all.

But let’s get to the meat of your situation, SAH. Remember when I said that “Am I enough for him” was the wrong question? Here’s the right one:

“Am I satisfied with this relationship?”

It’s not about whether he might be attracted to other people – he is, because he’s human, just like you – but whether he is happy and satisfied being with you and making a monogamous commitment to you? He said some stupid shit, yes, but do you trust that he’s telling you the truth? Do you believe him – not just accept that he said it but honestly believe him – when he says he cut things out before anything untoward happened? Do you believe him when he tells you that he’s happy being with you and only you, regardless of random, meaningless crushes?

If you do, then the biggest problem is that he could stand to not say every thought that flits through his head. Because, for real, that sort of thing is not a great indicator of maturity or emotional intelligence and he needs to work at that shit.

If you don’t, or he demonstrates that he’s saying one thing to make you happy but doing another entirely? Then it’s time to reconsider whether it’s time to find someone else.

Good luck.

Hi Doc,

A few days ago, I made a joke tinder account with friends, with a fake age, job, etc., but all the pictures were my own. Turns out, I really hit it off with a guy and he was still interested after I told him my real information. The thing is, he’s 23 and I’m 17. Is there any hope for a relationship?
Sincerely,

Conflicted

No.

Look, Conflicted, I’ve had people pull the “SURPRISE, I WAS COMPLETELY MISLEADING YOU! ” card on me before and y’know what? That’s a big fuck-off deal-breaker right from the jump. The fact that he’s still interested, regardless? That’s a red-flag and some side-eye from me.

But the fact that he found out that you’re still a minor and he’s still interested? That’s a not just no but hell no. Sure, you’re almost 18 and I’d be side-eyeing the fuck out of that. But a six year difference when he’s 23 and you’re 17 is way the hell more significant than if you were 26 and he were 32. You’re in very different places in life, and that alone is going to put some major roadblocks to a successful relationship. The fact that there’s that much of an age difference and he’s still interested after the whole “you’ve been punked” reveal?

Sorry, Conflicted, this is setting off my Spidey-sense something fierce.

Do yourself a favor. Cut things off with this guy, stick to dudes who’re closer to your age and stay off Tinder until you aren’t having to lie about your age on there.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can He Love Her If He Already Loves Me? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Dr. NerdLove,

Before I get to the core of the problem, I want to give you a little background of where I come from. As a teenager I grew up a fairly popular kid. I had people fawning over me all the time – men and women. Naturally, I didn’t know rejection until well past my late teens. When I was about 18-19, I dated this girl I was madly in love with for about 4-5 years. Eventually it ended and the end wasn’t very good for me. Unfortunately, I suffered an almost-mortal illness days after the break-up, which just contributed further to making my recovery harder. My time together with her had made me so dependent that it took me a really long time to get out of that zone and start being a confident, desirable human being again. I did eventually recover, worked extremely hard on myself and started dating the kind of women I really wanted again. Still, I was somewhat commitment phobic and bailed every time things started to move in a more serious direction again. It took me almost 4-5 years more before I actually got into my next exclusive, committed relationship.

I recently moved to a new city and the change has been kinda hard to adapt to. My (ex) girlfriend and I ended our relationship mutually since we were both moving to different cities and agreed that neither of us wanted a LDR. Having said that, this whole change caused several of my past insecurities to crop up and I found myself struggling socially again. It took me a while to make new friends and build a social circle at all but eventually I made a couple of really close friends – a girl and a guy. I was somewhat attracted to the girl but decided not to make a move on her because she had a long-term/long distance boyfriend, and in either case, I decided that her friendship was more precious to me than any foreseeable sexual pleasure. Fast forward a few days and I find out that my two best friends are hooking up. At a fundamental level I am okay with this – I don’t really care so much. I am not into the girl so much for it to bother me. The problem is that I actually share an apartment with the guy and sometimes when they hook up at our place I can hear them, which really upsets me. I also feel kind of awkward hanging out alone with them because I feel like I am just being an obstacle. Sometimes I catch myself wondering that they only hang out with me because two of us live together. A part of me knows that this is not entirely true, but a part of me that’s driven by my insecurities can’t help thinking this way. I have already had individual conversations with both of them about their equation and told them that I did not entirely appreciate the fact that they sneak around behind my back to hook up because I’d have much rather preferred that they be honest with me than take me for a fool. But I also told them that whoever either of them chooses to hook up with is none of my concern and I frankly do not care so much.

Now the core nature of my problem is that I expect a certain degree of sensitivity and discretion on their part. Both of them know that I have a thing for her, even if it isn’t a big deal. I have no intention of making a move for her now or in the future, but just knowing that the girl auto-rejected me is a confidence downer for me. It’s also not exactly like I am going through a dry spell. I manage to occasionally attract women I want to sleep with and do it too. It’s just that I feel really out of place with my two closest friends in this new city and I do not know what my place is any more or where I stand with either of them. I feel like if they cared for me, they wouldn’t put me through this awkward situation. Frankly, I don’t even know what or if I expect any kind of answer from you – I just needed to get this off my chest, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring this up with either of them. I don’t want to come across as a whiny little cow, but I also am kind of suffering and it has a negative impact on my overall social success. If you have any thoughts for me, I’d be glad to hear/read. I enjoy reading your columns, and most things you say make sense to me both intuitively and counter-intuitively.

Cheers,
Guilty As Charged

There’s a lot here GaC, but as is often the case, I think a lot of what you’re describing are symptoms stemming from a central cause. In this case, I think you’re dealing with some anxiety around relationships of all stripes – sexual and platonic.

This isn’t terribly surprising, or even all that uncommon; you just have to look back through the Ask Dr. NerdLove archives to see how many people have gone through the same issues you have. In your case, you started off in an intensely dependent relationship at an incredibly difficult time of your life. You came back from that, which is awesome. It’s a testimony to your strength and fortitude that you pushed through the difficult times and managed to come out through the other side. But the thing to keep in mind is that these experiences tend to leave scars on your soul. This doesn’t mean that you’re weak or that you’re not better; it just means that you’ve been through some shit and that’s going to stay with you.

And honestly, it’s not at all surprising that you’re a little anxious about having moved to a new city, especially one where you have no pre-existing social circle. One of the unspoken crises of modern life is how intensely lonely we all have become. We’re all craving that connection with other people. We want our tribe and our family of choice. Considering what you’ve gone through, it’s entirely understandable that you’re incredibly sensitive to any perceived threats to your connection with your friends. Doubly so, considering that you’re attracted to one of them. This is known as “hypervigilance”; you’re constantly on high alert, looking for any possible signs of trouble. But one of the consequences of hypervigilance is that it’s very easy to take a normal situation and mistake it as a reason to panic.

Case in point: your relationship with your friends. In any other situation, this would be slightly awkward and uncomfortable for a little bit, then everyone would settle down and recognize the status quo – assuming, that is, that nobody’s being an asshole about it. In your case, however, you’re almost seeking out problems because you expect them. You believe that this is going to happen and so that confirmation bias kicks in and you take minor issues and overly inflate their significance, running them through the filter of your belief that you are going to get left behind again.

Take, for example, the idea that your female friend “auto-rejected” you. This honestly isn’t what happened. To start with, you didn’t make a move. You chose not to do anything. That’s not rejection, that’s the absence of action. You can’t get rejected if you never actually acted on your interest.

At the same time, the fact that she had other partners, before and after she met you, has nothing to do with you. Her not leaping into your arms upon meeting you doesn’t mean you auto-rejected. All that happened is that she wasn’t attracted to you. Consider, for example, how you go about your day. You see dozens, even hundreds of women every week. You aren’t attracted to all of them. That doesn’t say anything about them, other than they just don’t have whatever x-factor you need to be into someone. You aren’t being uninterested at them. It’s just a default state of null sexual interest.

The same is true about your friend. The fact that she doesn’t return your interest doesn’t say anything about your value as a person, your attractiveness or your desirability to women in general. It’s just one person who clearly likes you, just not in the way that you would like. Which, y’know, is a shame, but that’s life. Not every crush we have is going to be reciprocated. Similarly, her relationship with your other friend has nothing to do with you either. It’s just how things shook out; they had chemistry and interest, one thing led to another and hey, now they’re hooking up.

But here’s where your anxiety is starting to interfere with things. You are treating this as something being done at you. I mean, you say “I feel like if they cared for me, they wouldn’t put me through this awkward situation.” And trust me, I get how you feel; I have been there, done that and printed the t-shirts. However, the truth is that the situation is quite the opposite. They’re trying to spare you – and them – awkwardness and uncomfortable situations. They know that you have a crush on your friend; being discreet about sleeping together is less about “sneaking around” or treating you like a fool. It’s really about “let’s not rub GaC’s face in this until things are a little less awkward”. They’re trying to be sensitive about your feelings because hey, they’re your friends and they care about you. It’s obvious that you’re uncomfortable with things, and they’re trying to keep it from being too bad.

But to be perfectly honest, you are kind of making it worse. I’m sympathetic to how you feel, but ultimately, there’s only so much discretion that can be had before things go from “let’s try to not rub GaC’s face in it” to “GaC is dictating the terms of someone else’s relationship.” You’ve told them both that you don’t care about who they hook up with, yet you clearly do. Putting on a false face of “this doesn’t bug me” makes it much harder to actually address the elephant in the room and get past things because you aren’t being up front about it… with them, or yourself.

As I said: most of this is coming from your anxiety. You’re afraid of being rejected and abandoned and alone again. You’re picking up on things and turning them into existential threats, when they’re nothing of the kind because their feelings for each other isn’t about you. But if you keep letting your anxiety dictate things, it will be… because you’ll have pushed them away.

So here’s what I suggest. First: you need to take a deep breath, let it out, and then let go of their relationship. As long as you treat their relationship as a referendum on you, things are going to be awkward. The more you can let go and just be happy for them because they’re happy and they’re your friends, the less you’ll feel like they’re looking for reasons to cut you loose. Things will feel more relaxed and enjoyable again because there won’t be this sense of tension around where they have to tiptoe around your feelings. Don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that they have license to suck face in front of you, but you also need to not get huffy if they’re together and being affectionate.

And, yeah, hearing their sex-noises is annoying; it’s one of the issues when it comes to having roommates. This is one of those areas where you’re going to have to work to find a compromise. Maybe they can put on some music. Maybe you can get some noise-cancelling headphones. But you’re both going to have to make some allowances for your living situation. They can work on not being excessively loud when they get freak-nasty, you can work on finding ways to not hear it.

Next: work on talking yourself down from the metaphorical ledge. At times it can help to invoke your inner Spock and dispassionately argue against your anxiety. When you have those anxiety flare-ups, then let that Inner Spock remind you that you’re wrong. “No, GaC, evidence shows that they still care for you as a friend. Notice how they continue to spend time with you and include you, even as they pursue a relationship together.” “It is illogical to assume that couples leverage their relationship against someone, GaC. Their wanting to spend time together is about the oxytocin and dopamine production of a new relationship, not psychological games on a third party.”

And honestly, it may be worth talking to somebody to help get your anxiety under control. You may find use in doing some self-guided cognitive behavioral therapy with a site like MoodGym. You may want to try using a service like Talkspace to find a counselor. Or you may talk with your doctor and see if they can give you a referral.

Just remember: your anxiety and hypervigilance isn’t a weakness or a sign that you’re a bad or unworthy person. You’ve been through some shit. You’ve got scars, and this is how it manifests is all. That’s not weakness, that’s the mark of a survivor. You’ve been strong enough to get through the shit that’s come before. You’re strong enough to keep healing.

You’re gonna be ok.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

Long time reader (since I was 17 … I’m turning 24 this year), first time writer,

Since I’ve followed your blog I’ve been on “improve your life”, “starting from ground zero” phase for years on end. In that time I’ve kept in shape (strength trained to a competitive level), kept up my grades to improve my long-term future, and tried to improve myself for the right time for someone to come along. I feel like I’ve done everything right, but somehow come up short in the dating world:

Part of the reason this is because I’ve continuously put my life on hold in some ways in pursuit of a better future. In undergrad I stayed away from any sort of long term relationship because I was worried of “overly-attached” -> bad life decision long term or heart break -> bad life outcome (GPA falls apart in a semester etc.)… at the same time until recently I was fairly religious (still am, but while reconciling certain beliefs), and felt that anything short-term was somehow “immoral” and to be avoided.

Over the years, the “right” time just never came along: sure, girls were interested in me, but I wouldn’t pursue. I can’t help but wonder what could have been with (few?) (many?) (special one?) (who cares).

Now years later, I have been forced to take a gap year between degrees (which may force me to ultimately relocate and leave my social networks behind) and ultimately put my degree on hold. I am frankly sick of waiting to get that part of my life together. At the same time, I understand that getting into anything serious now (as you’d expect 24 year old to) would just be poor form to whoever I date, given that I will eventually return to a career-driven lifestyle.

I have ultimately concluded that short-term things are my only saving grace; something I still don’t stomach well. Am I overthinking all of this?

Still on The Sidelines

SotS, you have a mindset that author Jenna birch calls “laser focusing”; you’re treating your life as though you need to grind every aspect of your life to a specific level, in sequential order, to be in a place where you are “ready” to date. And honestly? That’s what’s slowing you down.  Treating your life as though you can only pay attention to one aspect at a time means that you’re going to be waiting for a long time.  You can pursue relationships and self-development and your career. Think of a spider’s web, with it’s interconnected threads and strands. Individually, each strand may not seem like much, but they all lead into one another, creating a whole that is stronger than the sum of its parts. If you want to date – instead of waiting for the chance to date – then you need to treat your life more like a web. Let yourself develop in many directions at once, instead of trying to achieve it in sequential stages.

Because, honestly? You’re overthinking things. You’re letting the idea that you can only do one thing at a time hold you back. If you’re going to treat dating as something you can’t do until you’re at the “perfect” place in your career, then you are going to continue sacrificing your life in the name of a future, one that will never truly arrive. Once you get to that place where you say “OK, I’m here” – if you don’t keep kicking things further down the line to your next stage in life – then you’re going to look around and realize how many amazing women you could have dated and be kicking yourself for not taking your chance when you could have.

Waiting until putting your life on hold for a better or more perfect future is a mistake. There will never be a “right” time; there will only be THIS time, right now. Accept that you’re a work in progress, that there will always be room for improvement, but you’re in good shape now and take some chances. You might find something short term. You might find someone who’s so awesome that you’ll decide you want something long-term with them, even as you pursue your career. But if you want to get started, then it’s time to stop sitting on the sidelines and get in the game.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Best Friend Is Sleeping With My Crush appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

One of the long-running questions that men have tried to solve has been why women choose to date and sleep with some men over others — and, more importantly, how we could become those men.

This is something that a lot of men get wrong, in no small part because one of the mistakes guys make is that they tend to look in the wrong place. What women tend to find attractive isn’t looks or status or money, it’s value. Women who’re interested in men want to find a high-value man.

But the question is: what does that value look like and how do you become a high-value man?

Show Highlights:

• What men get wrong about what women look for in a man
• Why looks, money and status aren’t as important as you think
• How to build and demonstrate your value
• How confidence and neediness affect value
• The difference between a high-value man and someone trying to fake value

… and so much more.

Related Links:

How To Be A High-Status Man

What Matters More: Looks or Personality?

How To Demonstrate Value

Instant Charisma

Finding True Confidence

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

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Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The post Episode #73 – How To Be A High-Value Man appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Dear Dr NerdLove

First of all here’s a little background.

Due to some mental and physical health reasons I moved from my home to San Francisco where I am currently attending college. I have had little to no success with dating outside of a relationship I was in through OkCupid that ended about a year ago. I also used to do approaches at my old school with some friends of mine and we had some minor successes.

I saw your video on when and when not to flirt and I found it both informative and troubling. When I did used to do approaches I would almost exclusively do it at school, but since you said that doing that is normally seen as rude or bothersome I have been hesitant to try it here. The thing is when I’m at school is the only time I am around women on a daily basis. I can only go to bars once every two weeks or so because of my poor college kid financial situation. This has been taking a toll on my mental state in terms of provoking feelings of depression and self-hatred when I see a girl I find particularly attractive. I feel powerless and alone.

TL;DR: I wanna approach girls, because it feels like it’s the only thing I am doing that might work, and everything else I’ve been doing doesn’t. It is making me unhealthily sad. Please help.

Go, No-Go

Ok, GNG, you seem to have missed the point of my video. It’s not that there are very specific places where you can meet women and these are the only times that you can approach them, it’s that you should understand the context that controls social expectations and respond accordingly. Certain bars, for example, are explicitly set up for people to meet and hook up. Because flirting with strangers is considered to be part of the point of being there, it’s acceptable to go to these locations and approach many women over the course of an evening. On the other hand, trying to hit on someone on the bus, subway or other form of mass transit is a bad idea; most people are just trying to get through their commute without being bothered. This doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. People have gotten dates from someone they’ve met on the subway or on the bus or on a plane. However, it requires extremely strong social calibration, a great deal of experience and a strong sensitivity to the other person’s interest and comfort level. This isn’t even for someone with varsity level social skills, it’s for someone with pro-level skills.

But there are also liminal spaces out there, spaces that aren’t explicitly for meeting and mating but are still social. Classes, for example, are one of those spaces. College is an explicitly social space; you don’t just go to your lectures and then go home, careful to never say a word or make eye-contact with your fellow undergrads. It’s expected that you’re going to talk to your classmates and fellow students. In fact, college is one of the last times when socializing and making new friends will be as simple and effortless. However, this requires a different approach than when you’re meeting people at a single’s bar. You don’t want to be the guy who glides through school like a horny shark. While you can flirt with many, many women over the course of an evening at a bar, doing the same on campus is going to be weird – especially if it’s a small school.

So by all means, feel free to strike up a conversation with someone attractive that you see on campus. This is an expected part of the college experience. Just don’t treat it like you’re at the club. You can’t be as aggressive – especially physically or sexually aggressive – as you could be at the bar, nor should you have the same energy level. Take it down a notch or two and start with a conversation and see how things go. If the two of you click off the bat, then by all means, see about a brief date, even an instant date to get coffee or something. If there’s some chemistry there but not quite enough for an immediate “hey, do you want to go get coffee?”, then let it build over a couple of days or weeks before you ask someone out on an explicit date. And it should be a date; not to “hang out”, not to “get together”, but an unmistakable date.

Just, for the love of God, don’t be like the would-be PUAs who line major thoroughfares like Eaton Center in Toronto that make the act of walking down the street akin to running a gauntlet of aggressive douchebags. The social contract at college doesn’t allow for that.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I have this problem. After years of social anxiety, having been called creepy before (and not really knowing why), and reading so many things on the Internet about women complaining about men approaching them and being a nuisance, reading so much about signs that you shouldn’t approach (and next to nothing about signs you should approach), I always just assume now that whenever I see a woman, she doesn’t want me to talk to her or anything, unless I see proof she does want to (and my definition of proof is very, very strict). Even if I’m at a setting where talking to other people is normal. Even if I’m actually acquainted with her or we’re in a group together, and in the latter case, I pretty much only talk if I need to, or if she says something to me first.

So my question is, how do I break out of this mindset?

Not So Strong, Silent Type

OK NSSSST, the first thing you need to recognize is that women venting about aggressive, asshole-ish men isn’t the same thing as them condemning the entire gender. The problem isn’t men, it’s men who don’t understand things like the social context or that a woman who’s got her Murder Face on and is walking like she’s searching for the Holy Grail doesn’t want to be hit on by strangers. If you’re able to recognize “thanks, but no thanks” as the refusal that it is instead of a sign to try harder, then you’re ahead of the curve. Like the MIT professor who binged on 2nd Wave Feminist texts and came away convinced that women thought he was a rapist in training, the problem here is not recognizing the context of who was saying what, the context of it all and recognizing that some opinions are explicitly more radical than normal society would call for.

The next thing you need to realize is that, as I just said to Go, No-Go, there are places where approaching strangers is accepted as par for the course, places where basic socialization is acceptable and times when it’s just a plain bad idea. Now this doesn’t mean that any social contact is a horrible idea outside of these areas; it just means that you adjust your approach to your circumstances. The social contract varies depending on things like the venue and the time of day. Behavior that’s acceptable at a rowdy bar at 11:30 at night is going to be incongruous at best, disruptive at worst at 11:30 AM at Whole Foods. Similarly, behavior that’s fairly common during the day on a busy street could be seen as being threatening at night when there’re far fewer people around.

Learning to recognize and adapt to the context and circumstances is a big part of developing your social calibration. And to be honest: it’s not that hard. If you can understand that you should be quiet at the library and the movie theater, then you’ve got a fairly solid grasp of how social calibration works.

The next thing is to understand that there are differences in both approaches but also acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Striking up a conversation with someone you don’t know isn’t automatically like cat-calling a stranger in the street, and next to no reasonable people are going to equate the two. The guys who’re following women yelling “yo, you should smile more” and the guys who’re planting themselves in front of women to force them to stop and talk to them are very different from the guy who starts to talk to the person in line in front of them at Starbucks. While there’re certainly folks who feel that talking to them before their coffee is a capital offence, that’s hardly the same as the guys chasing women down Ocean Drive in Miami, trying to get their number.

It’s the difference between the guy who says “hello” to someone on the street and the guy with the clipboard who refuses to take silence and being ignored as an answer.

And then there’s the fact that women will let you know if they’re interested in talking to you. And, contrary to popular belief, these signs really aren’t that subtle. The most common example is what’s known as the “plausibly deniable conversation starter”. If you’ve ever said something loud enough for others to overhear and respond to, then you know exactly what this is: somebody making an observation or statement that’s intended specifically to prompt a conversation. An observational opener – something like “man, this line’s taking forever”- is a classic example of a conversation starter that she can pretend was just muttering out loud if nobody bites.

But even if you’re afraid of starting a conversation in places where conversation and socializing is explicitly permitted, then you may want to consider going to events or meet-ups where conversation isn’t just encouraged, but almost required. Team-based activities – from skee-ball leagues to amateur sports teams to pub quizzes – make socialization necessary. You have to work together as a team, and unless one of you is secretly an omega-level telepath, this requires actually talking to each other. Other events like board game nights at your local game shop or singles mixers are other great places to go where you’re expected to talk and share and mix and mingle with people you haven’t met yet.

And honestly? If you feel that you can’t talk to people you already know, or in explicitly social settings or that talking to people in those settings is going to make people feel weird? Then one of the best things you can do is talk to a counselor. That’s a pretty good indicator that you’ve got some emotional scarring that you need to unpack and work through. It sucks that you got called a creeper, my dude, but if you’re letting one incident through you for that much of a loop – especially if this was in, say, high-school – then you need to learn how to let go of the past and move forward.

At the end of the day, your wanting to be social isn’t a burden on other people. It’s part of how the world works. All you need to do is work within the social context of the situation and just be aware of the other person’s interest and comfort. And believe me: it’s not that hard… especially if you spend some time working on your social calibration.

There’re women out there who would love to talk with you, my dude. You just have to trust yourself enough to open up to them.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: When Is The Right Time To Approach Women? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’ve been a reader for a few months now and I have had a…bizarre break-up recently that has left me with worsened problems.

I’m sorry that all of this happened to you, OBS. And honestly, your letter could easily have been written by me, back when I was in high-school. I had a lot of the same crap happen to me, down to dating someone – someone I met online, before online dating was even a thing – who ultimately ended up dumping me to get back with her scumbag ex.

And needless to say, I’ve had numerous dating “adventures” in college, some of which would have been enough to make me run screaming from the very concept of relationship like all of Hell and half of Hoboken were after me.

So here’s what I wish someone had told me about dating, especially when I was in high-school and dealing with all the attendant drama.

And that’s this: dating in high-school is bullshit. The people who tell you that high-school is the greatest time of your life either peaked early and it’s all been down hill, or they don’t remember what high-school was like. High school is, hands down, the most terrifying and confusing time for someone. You’re always tired because you’re not getting enough sleep, your body is a toxic stew of constantly churning hormones that mean you’re the emotional equivalent of Space Mountain and everyone’s in the middle of the worst identity crisis of their lives. And it doesn’t help that kids are trying to sort out hierarchies and social dynamics based on concepts that they only barely understand, but are being executed with a ruthlessness that the Borgias would admire. Everyone’s terrified, nobody knows what’s going on, and folks are lashing out at everyone around them because it’s easier to hurt someone else than it is to admit that you are completely and utterly lost.

All of which is to say: the things that happened to you in high-school suck… but you need to let it go. All of the drama you went through, all of the heart-ache, all of the pain and the humiliation? None of that counts. None of that matters. So very little of it comes from a legitimate place, where people have made careful, rational decisions. It’s all monkeys throwing shit and screaming because they’re crammed in a cage with a thousand other monkeys and the loudest monkeys seem to at least have an idea what’s going on. The problem is that you’ve absorbed so much of what happened as valid – that this was at all about you and not the hellscape that is modern high-school – that you want to prove them all wrong. You want to show that you’re a sexy badass who’s loveable and deserving of love. And as a result: you tend to fall hard for people because… well, you want it that badly. You invest so heavily because you’re trying to prove to the world and the jerks you grew up with that you’re better than they said you were or could be.

Trust me, I know. I’ve been there, done that and based an entire career off of it.

Now, I’ll freely admit: it’s easy to say “just let it go”, as though you could just snap your fingers and things wouldn’t hurt any more. But part of why it still affects you is because you hold it close to your heart. You’re still picking at the scab the more you dwell on it. You don’t just say “yeah, that sucked, thank Zod I’m out of there,” you say “That was the worst time of my life and I’ll never get past it.” You say “This is the wound that can never be healed,” as you make Being The Guy Who Was Rejected in High School part of your identity. And honestly: that’s not you. That’s only who you are because that’s how you’ve chosen to see yourself.

You are long out of that situation. Which means you have a blank slate. You have a chance to start over and define yourself anew. You can decide that the things that happened to you are over, that they no longer count and now you’re on a journey to decide who you are and where you’re going from here.

And yeah: you’re going to get hurt. The world’s full of sharp corners and steep drops, sometimes you’re going to run into them. Dating is no exception to this. Assholes are gonna ass, you can’t avoid that. But while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. And part of how you avoid suffering, especially as you avoid people who would just use you like your ex did, is that you learn to maintain and enforce your boundaries. You have to stand up for yourself, instead of just accepting anything that comes your way in the name of having a relationship. You have to be willing to say “this isn’t acceptable, and I won’t be treated like this” to bad behavior, even if it means losing the relationship. You have to be your own first, best line of defense.

But more than anything else: you have to let go of the identity that you’ve adopted. You have to let go of the fear that’s holding you back. You have to be willing to put yourself out there, even though you’re afraid, because you can’t date without making yourself vulnerable. You can protect yourself, sure; you don’t invest emotionally in someone immediately. You give it time to get to know them and see if they can show they’re worth investing in, just as you’re showing them that you are worth investing in.

At the end of the day though, there is no reward without risk and dating is about taking risks. You minimize the risks as best you can. You prepare for the worst, even as you expect the best. But you have to decide that the risks are worth the potential rewards.

And trust me: when you find someone who’s right for you, who you just click with? Who makes you feel like you’re coming home, even though you’ve only just gotten to know one another?

Then you’ll find it really is worth it.

Good luck.

Doctor, I need your help. 

I have an issue stemming from my past relationship. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me and lied to me in the worst ways possible, and I’ve never gotten any closure.

I’m with this new girl now. She’s really very nice and all. She’s exactly my type. However I can’t help but feel super anxious with her. For example: when she doesn’t respond to my texts for hours and says she’s busy with her new friends she made in school, I kind of lose my mind. I’d ask her to at least tell me about it but she feels that it’s controlling to make her tell me her every single move.

I also do get occasional anxiety attacks where I feel that she’d leave me anytime for someone better, like my previous girlfriend did. But, honestly. I know the problem lies with me as she’s never done anything to make me doubt her. She’s even introduced me to her sister, as well as her close friends as a way of reassuring me. But I still can’t get rid of the anxiety attacks and being clingy for her texts. It’s like I crave for her attention and when I don’t I get all weird and I wanna stop this so bad. Please help me.

– Stuck In the Past

Here’s the thing about anxiety and neediness, SitP: it’s not about what the other person is doing, it’s about how you feel. And the reason you feel the way that you do isn’t just that your ex cheated on you, it’s that you took her cheating on you as a referendum on your worth as a person. And honestly? The fact that she cheated has very little to do with you and damn near everything to do with her. It wasn’t that you weren’t good enough, it’s that she was callous with your feelings. She hurt you, not because some better guy came around, but because she was an asshole. We don’t take the opinions of assholes into consideration, especially not assholes who have no problem hurting the people who care for them.

So the first thing you need to do is give yourself closure. Look at your relationship with your ex, look at how she treated you. Accept that the way she treated you was her fault. She didn’t treat you badly because you deserved it, she treated you badly because she was an awful person and she chose to hurt you. Take all that in. Let it into you. Accept that this was on her, look at the remains of your old relationship and say “She was awful and thank God that’s over.”

Now look at your current girlfriend. Not only is she not treating you like your ex did, she’s going out of her way to talk you back from the ledge when you have these panic attacks. She has, been proving to you that she’s trustworthy and kind and gentle.

This is important because you’re going to have to do your part here. You know that you’re being an insecure bag of slop right now. You know that she’s right: demanding that she account for her movements throughout the day is unreasonable. But you also know that she’s not given you any reason to not trust her. You know that she’s been straightforward with you. You know that she cares, that she even has shared intimate parts of her life with you.

These are the things that you need to remind yourself of when you have these panic attacks. NerdLove’s First Commandment of Dating is as follows: Thou Shalt Handle Thine Shit. This is your damage, which means it’s on you to take care of it. It’s ok to ask for some reassurance on occasion when you’re being an insecure bag of slop, but you need to be the one who takes control of your emotions here. When you feel these panic attacks coming on, when it feels like she hasn’t texted you for hours, you need to take stock. Look at all the ways she’s shown you that she cares. Look at the ways she’s shown you that she’s trustworthy. Ask yourself which is more reasonable: that everything is fine and your girlfriend has her own thing going on? Or that something’s wrong and your relationship is in danger?

You know and I know that it’s the former. You just need to take a deep breath, relax your muscles, slow your heart rate down and remind yourself about this. She’ll get back to you when she’s less busy.

You’ll be ok, my dude.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Learn To Trust Women Again? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

The question of “how do I get out of The Friend Zone” is among the top Google searches out there when it comes to relationship advice. The idea of the Friend Zone as a sort of dating Stalag-17 has driven more people into the Pick Up and Red Pill community than almost any other topic. 

For a lot of guys, the Friend Zone is the ultimate expression of the dating binary: you’re good with women or you aren’t, and there’s nothing that you can do about it.

So this week: there’s no BS, no snake oil and no creepy, manipulative tactics. Just everything you need to know about why you’re in The Friend Zone… and how to get out of it.

Show Highlights: 

• What most men don’t understand about The Friend Zone
• How you ended up in The Friend Zone in the first place
• Why the way most people try to leave The Friend Zone never works
• What you need to do to change the nature of your relationship from platonic to sexual
• The number one mistake men make when trying to escape The Friend Zone

…and so much more

Related Links:

How To Get Out of The Friend Zone (Without Losing Your Friend)

Why Men and Women Can Never Be Friends is Bullshit

Anatomy Lesson: How I Left The Friend Zone

How To Be “Just Friends”

Avoiding The Friend Zone

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Consider becoming a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The post Episode #74 – How To Escape The Friend Zone appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Dear Doctor!

I recently stumbled across your blog and I agree with most of your views and admire the advice you give to people. I don’t know if you bother to help me with my, realistically speaking, small issue but I guess it’s worth a shot.

A little background about myself: I’m a woman in my early twenties. I work in a small office and go to classes at night to educate myself further. In the little free time I have I am active in a political organisation and have a quite high rank there. On weekends I go out with friends because I am easily bored so I always try to busy myself with exciting activities instead of suffering from cabin fever. My interests are politics, culture (including nerd culture of course), traveling, food, etc. Pretty much the only things I can’t get into are sports. I do cardio and go for a run to keep in shape but other than that I really don’t care for the subject matter.

Knowing about my busy schedule you might have figured that my dating life is not really that great. I do have occasional hook ups but other than that it’s nothing but me, myself and I…

I consider myself an attractive woman, I am confident, I have a wide range of interests and I hold high ambitions. So why can’t I find a keeper?

A friend of mine once told me that some guys don’t approach me because my confidence is intimidating and guys like shy girls better. I have no problem with approaching guys and start flirting but some of their egos seem to be too fragile to handle women who take matters in their own hands. Also I was told that I’m too talkative or sassy or feminist or independent or bitchy or opinionated by guys online. And that is really infuriating and also a bit hurtful.

The only guys that seemingly can keep up with my attitude are “jocks” but those relationships fail because of our different interests.

I don’t blame the guys for not wanting to date me. It’s their decision and if I am not what they are looking for then by all means they should find happiness with the right girl.

But all that stuff leaves me wondering… am I too much? Should I change to be more appealing? Should I pretend to be shy and reveal certain aspects of my personality only after some time has passed? Or am I good the way I am and it’s just a matter of not having found the right kind of person yet?

Those concerns sound so unreasonable but I guess I’m just a little uncertain at the moment… I hope you can give me some advice.

Too Much Intimidation?

Your problem is a common one, TMI. A lot of women, especially women in their mid 20s who are confident and accomplished have problems finding men who’re interested in more than a hook-up. In fact, that’s a core issue in Jenna Birch’s The Love Gap: guys are out their saying they want to find someone who’s ambitious, confident and accomplished… yet they aren’t dating the women out there who meet those standards.

In fact, many of them are doing the opposite.

Part of this is that yes, to some men, the fact that you have so much going on in your life is going to be a turn-off. There are a lot of men who see attention and career achievement as a zero-sum game; only one of you can really go on to succeed, and at the end of the day… they’re going to choose themselves because men are supposed to be the high-achievers. A woman who’s equally – if not more – successful than they are can feel threatening, even emasculating.

The same goes for women who are confident and forward. If a woman, for example, responds to a compliment with anything other than deflecting or downplaying the compliment, she’s often seen as arrogant. A simple “Thanks!” instead of “oh no, you’re just saying that…” tends to rile up men because she’s not following along with the script. Women, after all, aren’t supposed to be aware that they’re attractive.

And if a woman flaunts gender roles and takes the part of the aggressor instead of passively waiting… well, a lot of guys really don’t respond well to that.

Some of this is societal; those gender roles are still very much in force, even in the 21st century.But some of it is about maturity and how men tend to progress. One of the reasons why women in your position have a hard time finding guys who they work with is because those guys are still in development. Women tend to treat development like a web – working on several aspects of their life at once. Men tend to be lasers, taking things one at a time in order: first they want to develop their careers THEN they’re ready to date. Part of the problem here is that those guys tend to pass up on women they later turn around and realize they shouldn’t have passed up on.

This, incidentally, is why many women will find exes coming back, hat in hand years down the line. They weren’t ready then and didn’t realize what they had. Now that they do, they’re hoping the window hasn’t closed too firmly.

Once you understand where some of these issues come from, TMI, it becomes a question of “what do you do about it?” I mean, yes, you could always try to tone down your personality or pretend to be someone you’re not in order to get a boyfriend. But I question the wisdom in that; the guy who can’t handle you now isn’t likely to be any better able to do so when he finds out that you’ve been hiding a part of yourself. In fact, it’s more likely to cause problems… messily and all over the place.

And then there’s the fact that you likely aren’t going to like guys who prefer the softer, more submissive version of you. That’s fundamentally not who you actually are, and that conflict between  who you are and who you’re putting forth is going to cost you a lot of emotional energy and a string of incompatible boyfriends.

It may well be that your best option is to wait, while guys play catch up and try to get on your level. Or to wait and see if you can find someone who matches up with you now.

Now one thing I will say is maybe reconsider on some of those jocks. The fact that they’re jocks doesn’t mean that they can’t also be nerds; most sports nuts are just nerds in different clothing. And as I’m always telling guys: your interests don’t need to match up perfectly for the two of you to work; they just need to mesh well enough. Even if you two don’t share the same interests, can you try exploring the others’? Can you respect their interests and can they respect yours?

That’s a question only you can answer, MIT. But while the waiting may be frustrating… it’s still better than trying to force yourself into the wrong personality like you’re trying to force yourself into shoes that don’t fit. Finding the right partner can take time, but in the end, it’s worth it.

Good luck.

Hey Doc:

My friend B [26F] has rotten luck with men. Some of it is her own doing with her unrealistic expectations of men and some of it appears to be what she’s attracted to.

B has had a thing for 50+ year old men with money for the past 5 years. These men are typically emotionally abusive, ignore her for weeks on end forcing her to chase them, don’t allow her to meet their friends or family, and string her along with promises for more. She typically portrays herself to be a take no bullshit type of person, but as soon as she gets involved with one of these men, all of that goes completely out of the window.

Last time I tried to bring this up to her, she threw it in my face that I’m married and don’t understand her loneliness – and that very well may be true. While I don’t understand what being that lonely is like, I do recognize really poor romantic decisions, and dating guys who make no time for you, force you to always come to them (literally, she dated a guy who forced her to fly once a month for a year to a completely different country and never even tried to visit her in her home city or meet her family, and the only time he actually supposedly attempted the trip, he missed his flight and makeup flights for two weeks straight).

I’m worried about her – these guys that she’s been seeing aren’t up to any good, don’t treat her with any respect, and she either intentionally or unintentionally ignores the signs of emotional abuse and manipulation and makes excuses for their misbehavior. I don’t know how to talk to her about this, but she’s coming up to stay with me in a couple weeks to meet another guy that’s she’s been talking to for three months and she doesn’t even know his last name. Do you have any recommendations for how I can approach this situation with her in a way that doesn’t end up imploding our otherwise great friendship?

On The Sidelines

One of the problems with love is that love’s not just blind, it also tends to put it’s fingers in it’s ears and yell “LALALALALALALALALALALA” at the top of it’s lungs. This is never more evident than when you’re watching a good friend about to go down with the HMS Douchebag for the third time in a row. It’s all the more frustrating because, honestly, there’s really not much you can do. Your friend is a grown-ass woman. She’s got agency and the right to make her own choices. The fact that they’re stupid choices doesn’t change that.

The problem is that if you just straight up try to make her see what’s going on and that she’s been riding the jackass train for years, then all that’s going to happen is that she’s going to dig her heels in and double down. Nobody appreciates being told that the guy they’re currently sweating is the latest in a long line of asshats who’s going to screw her and screw her over, just like the previous dude in the asshole conga line did.

This makes confronting her tricky, because you don’t want her to just ignore you and mess up even harder. The best thing you can do, especially in the wake of yet another car crash, is to sit down with her and try to get her to realize what’s going on. First, you have to see if you can get her to recognize that these relationships were toxic. Exploring the ways that these relationships have been bad for her may help her start to recognize the pattern.

It may also help to work out just why she’s dating these wastes of skin. There’s clearly a common denominator in these relationships besides douchebaggery; there’s something about these guys that appeals to her. Maybe these guys just have magic dicks with ridges and play Whiskey in the Jar, who knows. But the more that the two of you can zero in on why she picks these guys in particular, the more that you can hopefully nudge her in a different direction.

But then again, you could also lay all this out for her and still get nowhere. You can lead someone to clues, but you can’t make them think.

Of course, that all presumes that the common denominator isn’t just her and her damage.  There’s every possibility that she has her own emotional issues that leave her feeling like she deserves to be treated this way. And if that’s the case… well, just as she’s the one making those choices, she’s also the one who has to fix things. You can’t force someone into emotional health; they have to decide that. And this is one of the areas where AA gets it right: some folks have to hit rock bottom before they change. And the only thing concerned friends can do is to try to help them limp to the ER afterwards and hope that maybe this time they’ll learn to avoid cliffs.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: Am I Too Intimidating To Date? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

When Alek Minnasian drove his van into groups of pedestrians, the world went looking for answers. A post on his personal Facebook page – one where Minnassian referred to incels, the Incel Rebellion and hailing “Supreme Gentleman Elliot Roger – seemed almost too perfect.

After all, 4chan boards like /pol/ have a long history of spreading hoaxes and misinformation after every recent tragedy and mass shooting. Faking a post – or an entire Facebook profile – for someone accused of the crime is well within the typical modus operandi of such groups.

Facebook confirmed that the post was real. Subsequent investigations found that Minassian was indeed part of the incel (short for “involuntarily celibate”) community – like Elliot Roger  and Chris Harper-Mercer before him – and his rage led him to commit atrocities against innocents.

Since then, the media has been falling over themselves to discuss the incel community – who they are, what the existence of the incel community means for men, what drives them to such lengths, and so on. Many people have been asking what we can – or should – do about them.

The problem is: too many people are asking the wrong questions. We let ourselves get distracted, taking the name and their self-description at face value and, as a result, miss the real issue underneath.

The Origins of The Incel Movement

Like many groups – including the alt-right and GamerGate, the Incel community was forged online. Feeling socially excluded – that you, for whatever reason, are unable to find love, sex or intimacy – can be incredibly isolating. It’s very easy to feel as though you are the Last American Virgin, the sole inhabitant of the Isle of Misfit Toys.

It can be difficult to admit to these feelings in person. After all, we live in a society that stigmatizes sex and sexual inexperience. Men who are still virgins past a certain age are seen as deficient or unmanly. Finding others who feel the way that you do is empowering. Finding others who struggle with the same issues as you feels incredible. You realize that you’re no longer alone. There are others out there who understand you. Like many groups, the incel community was formed under the idea of mutual support and understanding. The person who coined the term “involuntary celibacy” did so in order to help others find mutual support, even to find answers.

However, as so many groups do, the community grew and mutated past its origins. The men who joined the community were far more antagonistic and vociferous in their complaints than the women were. Many of the men were far more ready to blame the world for their circumstances than to work for a solution.

Indeed, the incel community that spurred on Elliot Roger was known as PUAHate – named so because its members had joined the Pick Up Artist community without success. Their anger at PUA gurus and dating coaches (including, well, me) came from the fact that incels had followed the instructions and still couldn’t get laid. But while pick-up may have provided them with false hope, it was women who were the real enemy…

The Taxonomy of the Incel

Part of what separates the incel community from other young men who simply have a hard time dating is the outlook. Incel culture is incredibly insular, forming its own hypotheses and theories around why incels can’t get laid.

To a certain extent, incels believe that they are genetically or structurally inferior. Among incels, the world is divided between incels and Chads (attractive men who get laid without trying) and Stacies  (the beautiful women who cruelly deny sex to incels). The difference between incels and Chads is, in the incel philosophy, bone deep… literally. Incels have a long list of features and deficiencies that dictate whether someone is a Chad or an incel.

Do you have a strong “lower third” – one’s jawline – then you’re a Chad. If you don’t have the right brow-ridge, the right canthal tilt or even the right eyebrows then you have “beta face”, the indelible marker of an incel.

Don’t have “hunters eyes”? Then you may as well give up now; you’re doomed to a sexless existence.

But while many incels see themselves as doomed, genetically, their true resentment is held for women. Women, according to incels, are the sexual gatekeepers. Women – in incels’ view – never have any problem getting laid. For women, sex is like hailing a taxi; all she has to do is hold up her hand and someone will swing by to pick her up.

Never mind that women have just as many problems finding love or sex as men. Never mind that there are women who are older virgins or that the person who founded the incel community was a woman. The fact that women get to decide who gets to have sex and who doesn’t is inherently unfair. This becomes significant because of the underlying logic of toxic masculinity: your worth is measured by your sexual value. Your sexual value is measured by who you’re capable of getting to sleep with you. Therefore, if you’re sleeping with the hottest person in the room, the transitory properties of sex and value mean that you are the most important man in the room.

But since women “get” to decide who has sex and who doesn’t, women “get” to decide who’s valuable.

This makes incels very, very angry.

Voluntary Celibacy

One of the biggest mistakes that people make when discussing incels is that they focus far too much on the idea that they’re young men who just can’t get laid. The mistake is taking them at their word, that there is an epidemic of sexual inequality, that men are being forced into chastity by women who have increased sexual choice. Sex isn’t being “unequally distributed”, no matter how many galaxy-brained would-be philosophers like to posit that it is.

Nor is their lack of sexual experience driving them to murder. No PUA guru could have saved Alek Minnasian’s victims by teaching Minnasian how to “sarge”, any more than they could have stopped Elliot Roger by taking him out to the bars.

Many more have suggested that legitimizing and de-stigmatizing sex work could help incels by providing them with an opportunity for sexual satisfaction. The problem with all of this – and it’s layered in its wrongness – is that sex isn’t the problem. Not only does this ignore women’s consent and put the onus on women to “fix” these men, it misses the fact that sex is the excuse, not the cause.

It takes only a moment to recognize the inherent lie within incel culture. Being an incel isn’t the result of losing the genetic lottery. Nor is it a matter of poor social skills or the need for sex causing psychosis. Nor is it the outcome of a society that treats certain members as sexually disposable. Their chastity is entirely self-inflicted and voluntary.

Considering that incels – theoretically – understand the pain of being judged and excluded based on arbitrary1 criteria, one would think that they would be more sympathetic to women who don’t meet society’s artificial and impossible beauty standards. But incels are among the first to complain about the mere existence of any woman they consider unattractive. Is she fat? Then she’s a land-whale. Is she a 3 out of 10? Then it’s a crime that she’s allowed to walk around with her head uncovered by a convenient potato sack. Incels will complain about being deprived of sex and then turn around and complain when an overweight or post-wall (25 or older) woman is friendly with them. Who would want to stick their dick in that ewwwww.

Worse are the Jezebels who stride across the Earth, using trickery and the sorcery of makeup to fool men into thinking she’s hotter than she is.

That’s not an exaggeration, by the way. To many incels, the idea that women are able to “improve” their looks means that they’re overturning the established order.

The significant part here is the idea that women are capable of “fucking with men above their league”. To many incels, women who are equal to or below a man’s level should be automatically receptive to those men. By improving their looks – or changing societal standards – women are further cheating men out of what is rightfully theirs.

By the same token, one would think that a man who has difficulties finding a sexual partner might appreciate a woman who’s more open to sex with men she has only just met. Again: you would be wrong. Like Red Pill devotees and other MRAs, incels rage against women who “ride the cock carousel”, referring to sexually active women as “roasties”² and other epithets. It makes sense… if you squint. After all, if a man’s value is intrinsically tied to his sexual value and ability to attract a partner, then sex with an “easy” woman conveys no value. The fact that she slept with a particular man doesn’t mean that he’s special or worthy. She’s willing to sleep with anyone and therefore she’s, in effect, robbing his value from him.

Sex workers are especially looked at with anger and hatred; they not only are part of the system that unfairly allows women to decide who has sex and who doesn’t but they profit from it. They are both gatekeeper and slut, being paid for their desirability. Incels are loath to visit sex workers because it would have a negative effect on their value, a tacit supplication towards sex, bribing women in order to give it up instead of earning it through their inherent value and masculinity. This becomes doubly infuriating, being forced to supplicate to someone they see as inherently inferior in every way.

And that is an insult too great to be borne.

All You Need Is Hate

The defining trait of incels isn’t a lack of sex – millions of men and women lack for sexual partners – but hate.

Incel communities aren’t formed around an inability to find sex, they’re formed around hate. That hatred gets directed in all directions – inward and outward. The self-loathing of incel culture can’t be overstated. Several forum threads focus on “suifuel”, threads designed to encourage incels to commit suicide or self-harm.

But more often than not, the hate they feel is directed outwards – especially to anyone who isn’t an incel.

It’s not just that women are choosing to have sex with people they’re attracted to, it’s that those Stacies are depriving incels of what they deserve.  It isn’t just that incels have been cursed – by genetics, by the universe, by whatever you care to blame – it’s that women are denying them something that is theirs by right.

Even a brief, cursory exploration of incel forums – incel.me, r/braincells, etc. finds far more posts about hatred – of normies, of Chads, of Stacies and of themselves – then support or the search for solutions and relief. Their time is spent raging against the ones who sail through life with ease or – worse – who get sex that should be going to incels. Chads are bad enough… but Tyrones, Chadreets and Changs are worse still. The racial hierarchy of incel culture is profoundly racist; Chads banging Stacies may hurt, but it’s understandable. The fact that Stacy may choose a Tyrone (black), Chadpreet (Indian sub-continent) or Chang (East Asian) instead goes beyond insult and to a level bordering on criminal.

Part of what drove Elliot Roger to murder was his anger at seeing white women with Asian men. Asian men are supposed to be less “masculine” than white men, and thus less worthy. Women who chose Asian men as partners instead of a SUPREME GENTLEMAN like Roger were insulting him personally and had to pay.

The fact that Elliot Roger was mixed-race himself made his own internalized hatred that much more ironic and worse.

In many ways, Elliot Roger is the model of what the incel community has become. Prior to Roger, incel communities had already eclipsed their initial purpose and curdled into toxic resentment. Incel forums like wizardchan and /r9k/ were among of the groups that preceded GamerGate.  However, Roger became a lightning rod and focal point for many incels. Calling him Saint Roger or The Supreme Gentlemen, Roger’s massacre became a rallying cry.

To be sure, there had been spree-killers who targeted women before. The shooter behind the Ecole Polytechnique massacre targeted women in revenge, for example. However many incel forums have become increasing hotbeds of violence. Forums like incel.me rejoice in the deaths of “normies”, praying for higher bodycounts. Just as 4chan spreads the hoax of Sam Hyde being the suspect of every recent mass shooting, incel communities race to claim mass-killers as their own. Every mass killing is celebrated as a sign that the fabled Incel Revolution has finally begun.

Still more are celebrating Minassian’s massacre and dreaming of future attacks, ranging from “ER-rapes” or acid attacks.

“Us incels spend most of our time inside, there’s no way we would ever be victims of an attack. But normies must now live with fear for the rest of their lives, they can’t go to school, the mall, or on a date without having to fear another incel attack. And they should fear it, this is what happens when you leave us without any love or companionship.”

It’s easy to try to dismiss this as “ironic shitposting”. We want to say that not all incels are like this. We want to say that most are just sad or frustrated young men blowing off steam. There’s an understandable impulse to treat this as being unimportant. It’s just more noise on the Internet, sound and fury signifying nothing.

But this is predicated on the idea that the Internet isn’t real, not like the physical world. And while forums may not be real, the hate is. The communities spur on that hate to greater and greater levels. Each participant tries to top the previous with their performative anger and extreme position.

We can pretend that these words are hot air, but only if we forget how many assaults and murders have been planned online. Then we just have to ask the victims of GamerGate if this is just “shitposting”. We ask the patrons of Comet Pizza whether an armed man storming the building was just ironic posturing. We should ask the family of Heather Hayer. Or the families of the victims of Alek Minassian.

Sex Isn’t The Solution

When we talk about the trouble with incels, we need to remember that sex isn’t the cause. Neither is it the solution. These are distractions.

To be sure, we live in a society that treats certain segments of the population of as disposable. We try to minimize the sexual needs of handicapped and disabled people, just as we try to pretend they don’t exist. We try to ignore that people with mental health issues or are intellectually disabled are sexual beings too.

But when we discuss incels, we illustrate a stark double standard. We forget that men aren’t the only ones who have a hard time finding sex. Women who have difficulty finding sexual partners are seen as being deficient. They’re told to lose weight, put on makeup and maybe lower their standards a little. But we treat men’s lack of sexual fulfillment as a crisis.

The issues that incels have with sex isn’t that they aren’t getting laid, it’s that women are allowed to choose who they sleep with. Many incel “solutions” are predicated that incels deserve sex and that it should be provided to them – consent be damned.

Whether the solutions are the government “providing” partners or “allowing” incels to have access to corpses, we are blaming women for not fucking someone they don’t want to fuck.

Even those who talk about sex workers or the redistribution of “sexual inequality” are demanding women solve a problem that has nothing to do wtih them.

Worse, these solutions ignore women’s rights to consent and to safety. Expecting sex workers to “heal” angry young men takes an endangered population and puts them even more at risk.

Believe me, I have nothing but sympathy for those men who truly struggle, who feel lost and stuck. But the incel community isn’t the answer. It’s not a place of support, it’s a place of resignation and anger. They exist to provide targets for rage, not solutions or help.

If we want to actually help incels – and prevent future attrocities – then we need to deal with the real issues. Forget about the sex and focus on the anger and hate. We need to address the root causes – that we live in a society drenched in toxic ideas about masculinity.We need to empower and encourage men to seek help for their pain.

Just as importantly, we need to fix the way that we market sex and masculinity… and the way we treat women as consumable commodities. Generations of men grew up being taught that women were their reward for being “a man”. Much of that anger comes from feeling cheated by women who can pick their own partners.

Getting them laid won’t fix things – if every incel had sex tomorrow, they would have new reasons to hate.

And we need to come to terms with the fact that this hate is real. It’s not just hot air or words on forums, they have real-world consequences. Incel forums have become havens of radicalization. They’re echo-chambers, amplifying discontent into hatred and rage.

There are no easy answers. We need systematic change, on many levels. And until we accept this as real, there will be more Alek Minassians. More tragedies.

And more innocent victims.

1. and imaginary
2. Don’t Google it. Trust me on this

The post The Trouble With Incels appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

I see we’re not done talking about incels.

After Alek Minassian’s deadly attack on innocents in Toronto, scores of people decided to share their hot takes about how to “handle” the incel problem. Of course: like as not, the “problem” they focused on was that incels were angry virgins instead of the hate and misogyny that was radicalizing young men.

Worse, the solution wasn’t to deal with the anger, but to deal with the virginity.

Never was the absurdity of this argument more visible than when economist Robin Hansen attempted to equate being a virgin to financial inequality – leading many to wonder just what the absolute fuck was wrong with him.

(Considering that Hansen has described infidelity as being akin or worse to rape and that maybe women who cuckold their husbands should be tortured – but don’t quote him on that – the answer is evidently “a lot.”)

Now, one might be forgiven for thinking, as I did, that most people would recognize the idea that maybe we should ask women to “take one for the team” in the name of preventing future attacks is both idiotic on its face and disgusting to boot. Sure, someone at The Federalist was undoubtedly limbering up their hands to produce their next hot take but c’mon. It’s The Federalist.

This, of course, was like daring the universe to prove me wrong. I may as well have stood on a mountain and declared that God has shitty aim.

On Wednesday, I was coming back from a lovely trip to the UK to see friends. After a nine hour enforced vacation from the Internet, I turn on my phone to discover that New York Times contributor Ross Douthat picked up the Baton of Stupid Arguments and ran with it.

So we need to talk about just what’s so mind-bogglingly wrong with the argument that the problem with incels is some sort of “sexual inequality.”

The Redistribution of Consent

In a piece entitled “The Redistribution of Sex”, Douthat’s opening premise is that we’re somehow not properly engaging with the discourse of sexual famine. Quite literally, Douthat starts with the argument that maybe the incels are on to something. By reacting with an almost gut-level response of revulsion to the hatred that incels submerge themselves in, we are evidently unwilling to recognize that there’s a real problem here.

For those more curious than martial, one useful path through this thicket is to look at areas where extremists and eccentrics from very different worlds are talking about the same subject. Such overlap is no guarantee of wisdom, but it’s often a sign that there’s something interesting going on.

Douthat then attempts to create parallels between Robin Hanson’s idea of sexual redistribution and Oxford professor Amia Srinivasan’s essay “Does Anyone Have A Right To Sex?”, arguing that Srinivasan and Hanson are merely opposite sides of the same coin, illustrating a deeper issue within society. The issue – that there are new sexual winners and losers – has led to the rise of incels and, according to Douthat, this is all because the Sexual Revolution changed things for the worse. After all, everything was fine when monogamy was legally enforced, everyone was celibate before marriage and spousal abuse and rape was politely ignored. In the process, he also drags in issues like the #MeToo movement, feminism and the fact that women are less interested in conservative men because sure, why not. Now the number of people pairing up is in decline, men and women can’t relate, dogs and cats are living together and since feminists haven’t captured the ghost of Hugh Hefner, not having as much sex as humanly possible is bad.

Since society refuses to follow Douthat’s wisdom and return to religiously mandated monogamy and the fetishization of female virginity, the only option is to let men get jerked off by the Invisible Hand of the Free Market and thus hookers and sex robots.

No, for real.

Actual quote time:

But I expect the logic of commerce and technology will be consciously harnessed, as already in pornography, to address the unhappiness of incels, be they angry and dangerous or simply depressed and despairing. The left’s increasing zeal to transform prostitution into legalized and regulated “sex work” will have this end implicitly in mind, the libertarian (and general male) fascination with virtual-reality porn and sex robots will increase as those technologies improve — and at a certain point, without anyone formally debating the idea of a right to sex, right-thinking people will simply come to agree that some such right exists, and that it makes sense to look to some combination of changed laws, new technologies and evolved mores to fulfill it.

Now it’s pretty clear that Douthat intended for this to be some sort of “CHECKMATE, LIBERALS.” His entire argument is structured to prove that liberals are so dedicated to changing sexual mores that we’re inevitably going to de-stigmatize sex-work and make WestWorld real.

However, it didn’t work out as he clearly hoped. Instead of being praised for displaying the wisdom of Solomon and the wit of Swift, he’s been getting dragged for being an idiot. Moreover, he’s been getting increasingly testy that people have been “misunderstanding him” instead of accepting that he didn’t make his point.

As one might expect, his clarifications haven’t helped. In fact, it has actually made things worse.

But What About The Menz?

We’ll start with Douthat’s first attempt at explaining:

There’re a number of errors here. First, as Helen Rosner points out: the idea that sex is only recently important to happiness is kind of absurd. It’s a little difficult to believe that Douthat honestly believes that the importance of sexual satisfaction is at all new. Livy wrote about the  importance of good sex during the height of the Roman empire. Art history is as much the history of porn as it is religious iconography.

Even if we accept that he only means American society, it’s still bullshit. Benjamin Franklin was writing about why MILFs and cougars are the best lays before the country even existed. It’s more accurate to say instead that American society has only recently accepted that maybe women and LGBT people were deserving of sexual satisfaction too. The acceptance that other people might have sexual agency is recent indeed. Hell, stating that women masturbated was enough to get Alfred Kinsey condemned by an act of Congress.

But incel culture is distilled “what about the menz” concern trolling, and Douthat seems unconcerned with what increased sexual rights for women and minorities might mean for the so-called marketplace. The message – and the failure to live up to it – is what’s important.

However, we also have to acknowledge just what those “prevailing messages” were. One of the most frequent messages marketed to men is that women are prizes for being a man. Perform your masculinity in just the right way and you too could have a threesome in your shower!

This message – that women are the reward for masculinity – is part of the reason why incels are angry and bitter. They believe that they’ve been denied the rewards they deserve for existing as men. Chad isn’t just their enemy, Chad is the avatar of all the men “hoarding” their sexual reward. Stacy is the avatar of all the women they desire who refuse to give them what they feel they deserve. And Becky is even worse; Becky is supposed to be their equal… and even she ignores them for Chads.

“Successfully pairing people off” in this case isn’t the sanctified relationship that Douthat imagines. It’s being given the trophy for having a Y-chromosome and a dick.

Which leads us into the second problem with Douthat’s argument:

The Lack of Sex Isn’t Making Incel Men Go Crazy

The next indication that Douthat has misunderstood the problem with incels comes in his very next tweet:

Now in fairness, I will agree that Douthat has a minor point here. There are, indeed, many people out there who are sexually frustrated or who have problems finding partners. Disabled people, for example, have a profound difficulty being seen as sexual beings at all. Society as a whole prefers to pretend that having cerebral palsy or spina bifida removes your sexuality entirely. Put someone on crutches or in a wheelchair and suddenly their genitals vanish; they become as smooth and sexless as fashion dolls. Trying to find a sexual partner when you’re visibly disabled often means having to navigate between two extremes: people who refuse to acknowledge you sexually and fetishists who only see your disability.

Similarly, racism, sexism and homophobia all mean that many people have harder times being accepted, sexually. Asian men, for example, have long been portrayed as insufficiently masculine. Over a century of racist mockery has stereotyped them as feminine at best and sexually null at worst. Meanwhile, Western standards of beauty which prioritize Caucasian features mean that black women – especially those with darker skin or more prominent sub-Saharan features – are often seen as being less desirable. Trans people, and trans women in particular, are still treated as punchlines rather than potential sexual partners. “Trap” jokes abound, as do public expressions of disgust over the suspicion that a woman wasn’t assigned female at birth. And if their gender presentation doesn’t allow them to “pass” indistinguishably, then they become even greater targets for abuse.

But here’s the rub: they aren’t the ones killing people. As writer Lux Alptraum points out: women who’ve been deemed unfuckable aren’t going on killing sprees. Nor are other groups who face similar sexual deprivation, for that matter. There are no online communities of black women cheering on Mark Anthony Conditt. Lonely trans men and women aren’t gathering to celebrate the anniversary of Elliot Roger’s massacre. Disabled people aren’t discussing how to get the government to force abled women to fuck them, and none of them are waxing rhapsodic about terrifying 14 year old girls.

In fact, women are specifically excluded from incel communities. Incels.me – the community that sprang up once Reddit banned most of the incel boards – makes this clear: women by definition aren’t incels.

Douthat tries to play semantic games by pretending that there’s more to the incel phenomenon and in doing so destroys his own argument. It’s as clear an indicator that he’s never actually visited any incel boards or websites as you may want. There’s no “reducing” the incel phenomenon to toxic violence because that’s exactly what it’s about.

Trying to group incels in amongst people who have difficulty finding sexual or romantic partners is disingenuous at best and intellectually dishonest at worst. You can’t hand-wave away the fact that the incel community is about hate, as though it were a minor detail. It’s not some inconsequential curiosity, a strange triviality. The misogyny of the incel community is so deep that they refuse to refer to women as women. Women are dehumanized as femoids, foids and roasties. Rape fantasies, forced breeding and other violent delights are described in intense detail. Murders of “normies” are celebrated.

Hate isn’t a variation of the “incel phenomenon”. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature. It’s the foundation and bedrock of the entire community.

“What? Women Are Things”

Like many others before him, Douthat has fallen victim for one of the classic blunders. The most common is “don’t trust hateful assholes to be honest about themselves” but only slightly less well known is this: sex isn’t a goddamn commodity. Like Hanson before him, Douthat takes the position that hey, maybe we should take the time to consider that the incels have a point.

(A point, incidentally, that involves women as sexual chattel but you don’t make an omelette without enslaving a few eggs.)

It’s accepted as writ that the problem is that hate is just the byproduct of blue-balls. Douthat only varies from Hanson on the solution.

In accepting this cause, however, Douthat further sabotages his own argument. Comparing incels’ complaints to the circumstances presented in Srinivasan’s essay doesn’t even manage to be wrong. It’s such a misunderstanding of what Srinivasan laid out that it almost has to be intentional. Institutional sexism, racism and ableism is night and day different from the belief that you’re entitled to sex and – more importantly – sex with extremely specific women.

Similarly, Douthat’s argument that sexual inequality and incels in particular are the result of the Sexual Revolution somehow making it harder for people to pair off misses the point so completely that it’s almost absurd. It’s unavoidably clear that Douthat hasn’t actually, y’know, read any of the incel boards. He’s far too quick to take them at their word and use them as the latest bugbear in his distaste for current sexual mores and use it as a counterpoint to Srinivasan’s essay.

But at the same time, he’s also too quick to accept the central premise of Hanson’s thought-experiment as fact: the idea that sex has become a distributable resource. And that, in and of itself, is an exemplar of why we continue to misunderstand the issues behind the incel community.

The idea that sex is something that can be distributed equitably is beyond absurd. Treating sex as a commodity that can be traded and distributed is why incels exist. It’s the commodity-model of sex taken to an illogical extreme. Where the commodity model of sex focuses on the “gatekeeping” aspect, Hanson, like incels, treats women as the commodity.

Now, in his “clarification” on Twitter, Douthat insists that he’s not arguing in favor of an equitable distribution of sex, just that it will probably happen.

But the reason why so many people had such a visceral reaction has little to do with whether people thought Douthat was agreeing with Hanson or not. The problem many people had was that Douthat agreed that women were a product.

It’s that sex workers are presented as being synonymous with automatons. It’s that the “problem” is that men are complaining that they’re not getting the sex they are entitled to. And it’s the fact that that women are being relegated to a commercial product. Little things like, say, consent, are hand-waved away, just as he hand-waves misogyny and hate at the core of the incel worldview. It’s easy to do because, at the core, Douthat and Hanson agree: it’s women’s fault. And women are supposed to fix it. The only difference is in how.

Don’t Douthat (or Missing The Forest For The Trees)

It’s easy to miss that Douthat isn’t arguing in favor of sexual redistribution, just that it’s going to happen. He’s so eager to predict this carnal dystopia to own the libs that he can’t even question the underlying premise. He constructs arguments based on bullshit. Like Hanson, he starts from the presupposition that the incels have a point. There’s a sexual hierarchy and only certain people get to benefit. The ones who don’t get sex suffer and those who suffer inevitably lash out. And since women are the sexual gatekeepers, it falls to them to fix things.

Hanson thinks that women should suck the hate out of troubled men. Douthat argues that we should return to a prelapsarian era of the 1950s, when men were men and women knew their place. After all, the Sexual Revolution was triggered by greater sexual autonomy for women. Both of them are wrong.

It doesn’t help that both men – as so many others do – work from flawed premises. The first is to assume that sex is the problem, not a symptom. Incels aren’t cut off from sex because of some men hog all the sex. They aren’t bereft of partners because of some sort of sexual pecking order. They are single and sexless because their rage and hate. Expecting women to give up their own autonomy and safety in order to provide them with the healing power of orgasms is an absurdity. It puts the onus on women to fix a problem that they aren’t responsible for in the first place.

Nor would greater access to sex work be a panacea as Douthat suggests. Sex workers are already at risk for harm. Ignoring that they also have the right to consent or not consent, expecting them to service men who hate them just turns that risk to near certainty.

As I said before: the problem isn’t sex. The problem is hate.

The great irony is: there is a great deal of sexual inequality out there. There are a lot of people who have less sexual opportunity than others. But because so many of them aren’t white cisgendered men, they don’t count as part of this “crisis”.

Neither of them think about the women who are equally lonely. Who are disadvantaged by a society that allows for a narrow definition of beauty. There isn’t any thought spared for queer or trans men and women, or for the disabled. Asexuals don’t even exist to them.

We have a long way to go to help bridge the sexual conflicts in our society. But if we want to salve those wounds, we have to address the real issue. Until then, we’re just going to be stuck in a repeating cycle of misery, trying to solve the wrong problems over and over again.

The post The Incel Phenomenon: Fixing The Wrong Sexual Crisis appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I am 5 years into a relationship, and we’ve lived together for 3 of those years. During the past year, a new neighbor moved in next door. She is about a decade younger than us, and often spends time working in her backyard wearing tight short-shorts and an exercise bra. She’s truly gorgeous and model fit with bleached blonde hair. Our kitchen window is above our sink and stove, and it looks directly into her backyard.

My partner has become so distracted by her that it’s uncomfortable for me to be in my own kitchen. I do my best to go about my business and be calm – and keep the curtain closed – but I frequently catch him staring out the window, finding excuses to open the curtains, and coming up with reasons to be in the yard. I’ve even seen him standing in front of the window – with the top half of the window exposed – at night after showering, naked.

I feel a sense of dread in my stomach when I’m heading home, wondering if she’ll be out in the yard today. I’ve brought up my discomfort with my partner twice. The first time, he completely denied it. The next day, he asked me to marry him. The second time he also pretended it wasn’t happening.

I do want to have compassion for him. It must be so exciting to him to have a free show in his own kitchen. But it’s hard to hold my head high. Do you have any insight or advice on how to talk to him about this, or about what I should do?

Thank you,

Tired Of The Show

Humans are built to seek out variety and novelty in virtually all forms of stimulus. One of the weirder quirks of the human psyche is how easily we get used to just about anything. It’s called hedonic adaptation; once we adapt to a particular stimuli, we return to our pre-existing baseline. So as comfy as your bed may be, after a certain amount of time, it becomes just “your bed”. As delicious as your favorite food may be, eat enough of it and it’s just “food”. And no matter how much you love and desire your partner, there comes a point where they’re your baseline. They don’t give you the same thrill as they did when things were new and exciting.

One of the ways this manifests is the way that we react when we see someone hot. We get that little dopamine hit straight to the brain and want more. So we keep looking. It’s a natural and nearly universal response, across cultures, relationship status and gender.

But the fact that it’s natural and understandable doesn’t change the fact that sometimes you end up acting like an asshole in the process.

Case in point: your boyfriend, ToTS. It’s normal that he’s going to be interested in checking out your new hot neighbor. What he’s doing, however, is rude, hurtful, and honestly, really creepy. First and foremost, there’s the fact that he’s ignoring how uncomfortable this is making you. The fact that you’ve called him out on this, twice, and he’s still doing it? That’s unacceptable. Distracting you with a proposal or just straight up lying? That’s adding insult to injury; he’s behaving as though you’re stupid or that he can bluff his way into making you doubt your own lying eyes.

Then there’s the way he’s behaving. Sensible folks who’d like to check someone out without being weird about it learn to use their peripheral vision. One can still get an eyeful without staring like a horny 12 year old. But starting to hang out in front of the window naked? That’s some escalating behavior right there. I’m wondering if your boyfriend doesn’t have a voyeur fetish… or if he’s hoping to get caught by said hot neighbor. Maybe he’s starting to hope that she’ll see his naked self staring out the window and invite him over like a bad porno.

What is more likely to happen is that she’s going to get seriously weirded out and possibly call the cops on him because folks generally don’t like to be dragged into someone else’s sexual fantasy without their consent.

So here’s what I suggest: you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your boyfriend. I don’t know how blunt you were about how uncomfortable he was making you the first two times you brought this up, but now’s the time to bring out the Chair Leg of Truth. He needs to know, in no uncertain terms that the way he’s ogling the neighbor is making you incredibly uncomfortable and the fact that he’s blown you off twice now is hurtful and unacceptable. Moreover, he’s embarrassing himself and acting like a giant creeper. A 12 year old might be forgiven for acting like this – once – because they don’t know better. Your boyfriend, however, is a grown-ass man. He presumably has had enough experience that all the blood shouldn’t leave his brain at seeing a woman in her underwear, nor to act in such a leering manner that it makes his girlfriend uncomfortable.

This is not a major ask, ToTS. This is equal parts basic consideration and simple emotional intelligence. He should be able to make it through the world without a glimpse of an attractive woman in a sports bra is turning him into the cartoon wolf from Red Hot Riding Hood. He should also be able to get that this hurts you and realize that maybe he should stop.

So lay all of that out there, as bluntly and directly as you humanly can. There shouldn’t be any room to doubt how fucked up he’s behaving and how it’s making you feel. Moreover, he needs to know that he needs to grow the fuck up and knock it the fuck off. With luck, a sharp smack upside the head with a clue-by-four will do the trick and he’ll shape up already.

And if he doesn’t? Then it’s time to dump this guy so hard his parents get divorced retroactively, because the only way you have to go from there is down.

Good luck.

Hey Doc,

I just started reading your blog and watching your YouTube channel and I have to say it’s been a lot of fun and has helped me finally try the whole dating thing out. But I’ve tried recently, and it hasn’t gone magnificently.

So I have this coworker- we’ll call her T. Me and T got along wonderfully. She has my exact same sense of humor, we joke around all the time, we have generally similar interests, and I’m never unhappy when I’m around her. Although it did take me a good 3-4 months for me to realize “yeah, I’m totally into her”.

When I made up my mind, I tried to find some way for us to grow closer together so that a relationship could become more feasible. Not dates, but just doing things together outside of work to get closer.

She’s a writer, so I asked if she wanted to read one of her stories at an open mic with me. She said she was too nervous. I asked her if she wanted to play a couch co-op multiplayer game sometime. She said she had only one controller. The only place outside of work is at a gas station and that’s only for a few minutes after work.

After those simple hang outs failed, I decided I was just going to ask her out straight up. I said to her “T, you’re fun. We should do something fun. Do you wanna go out bowling?” At first she said yes, but later that night said that it would be more fun if we went out for breakfast….and invited all of our other coworkers too. I couldn’t say no or that I just wanted it to be the two of us because I had tried so hard to get close to this point and any opportunity just to be with her I would gladly take.

Some time passes, we still get along great and I decided that enough was enough. I sensed something more between us and I wanted to stop fucking around and actually act upon it. One night at the gas station, I asked her “do you wanna be more than just friends?”. I then went on to say that I thought she was funny and likable and pretty as hell. I said that I was never unhappy when I was around her and I wanted to make her as happy as she made me.

She said she would think about it and that she had no idea I had a crush on her. We parted ways and I didn’t contact her so she would have plenty of space and time to think.

When she got back to me, she said that she wanted to stay friends because her anxiety and nervousness would lead to her fucking something up and hurting me. She said that really later down the line she might like to try, but she didn’t want to rush anything. She also added that she didn’t want work to become awkward.

I said that it was okay and that I didn’t want to pressure her into doing anything. I also added that whenever she was ready, I probably will still feel the same.

About a month passes and we work past the initial awkward phase at work and soon start to interact as if nothing happened (minus flirting, that has been toned down). I soon discover that another coworker of mine, we’ll call him M, is also into T. T also flirts with and talks with M more than me, especially after I revealed my feelings, so I bet there’s a strong chance that they either want to date or may even already be dating.

And this hurts. I hold no ill will towards either of them or anything, but it just plain hurts and even though I don’t know if they’re officially in a relationship yet, there’s no doubt I’m jealous as hell. Not to mention that if they are dating, all the reasons she didn’t want me were null and void and just boiled down to the fact that she wasn’t attracted to me. I don’t know if I was lied to or what.

I respect M and while he acts like a sarcastic snarky asshole to some people, he doesn’t to me. So I would love to still be friends with both of them, but I still totally have feelings for T. So now I’m completely lost as to what to do next. A part of me wants to just move on, but I still have the slightest glimmer of hope that T and I may still officially date. And if we don’t and T and M become a thing, what can I do to accept that? Should I confront them and just throw it out there that I’m jealous and hurting? Or do I just go on pretending I don’t know anything and just keep my jealousy to myself?

-Openly Confused

First of all, OC, let me congratulate you. You stepped up, and asked someone out on a date. That’s good. That takes guts. You should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there like that.

Now let me explain what’s been going on. T isn’t interested in you and she’s been trying to tell you from the jump. She gets along with you and likes talking with you at work, but she’s not interested in seeing you outside of that. All those times she gave you reasons why she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) go do stuff with you? Those were soft “nos”, socially polite, plausible excuses to turn someone down.

Telling someone “no” directly is often seen as being rude or harsh and women in particular are socialized to be deferential and considerate of other people’s feelings. So instead of saying “no, thanks” and possibly hurting your feelings, she’s been giving throwing obstacles in the way and hoping that you get the hint. This way she can say “no” without actually saying the words and making you feel bad. Instead of drawing attention to the fact that you like her but she doesn’t like you the same way, she’s giving you an out. You can both agree to pretend it’s not you, it’s just bad luck/fate/whatever and everybody goes their separate ways.

This includes her telling you “maybe in the future”; it’s a way of kicking the can down the road in hopes that it just won’t come up again.

Now would it be easier if she just said “hey, thanks but I’d rather stay work friends?” Yes, probably. But socialization is tough to break and, honestly, a lot of dudes react badly to being turned down. There are dozens of women getting threatened, screamed at or physically attacked after saying “no, thanks” on a weekly basis. So for many people, those soft “nos” are safer, even if they can cause confusion.

Yes, you know that you’re not like that. But that’s still a serious risk for her. Plus, like I said: she’s trying to let you down gently.

And hey, it sucks. I get that. Being rejected hurts. But all this means is that you and she weren’t right for one another. The best thing you can do is accept this and move on. Because, honestly? There’s nothing else for you to do, especially if you really want to be friends with the both of them.

Ask yourself: what does confronting them do? What would you hope to come from that? She knows how you feel; telling her again isn’t going to change her mind. Similarly, it’s not as though she’s flirting with someone else at you. She’s not doing this to make you upset. She’s flirting with M because she digs him. You honestly don’t enter into the equation at all. It sucks that you’re envious but that’s not their responsibility. That’s on you to deal with. Accept that you’re sad that it didn’t work out between you and T; that’s totally legit. Tell yourself that you’re happy for the two of them and you want the best for all of them. And then move on.

You did the brave thing and you got your answer. You don’t need to spend any time wondering or waiting on her. You’re free to go find someone who does want what you have to offer. And they are out there. You just have to keep looking and putting yourself out there, just as you did before.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Boyfriend Is Spying On Other Women appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Over the last couple of weeks, it seems as though the world has been talking about incels – people who refer to themselves as being involuntarily celibate. But while we are all bringing attention to the existence of incels, but there aren’t many resources for people who want to stop being involuntarily celibate. What is the real issue that drives otherwise good people to the incel community? How can someone who calls themselves involuntarily celibate break the cycle and escape the hate and misogyny that’s inherent in the incel scene?

Show Highlights:

• Why getting laid and sex workers aren’t the solution to the problem with incels
• How incels doom themselves to failure when they try to get better
• Why sex and sexual frustration isn’t the root of the problem
• How the incel community deliberately makes people feel worse
• The key to fixing the real problem that’s driving incels

… and so much more.

Related Links: 

The “Problem” With Male Virginity

Your Attitude Controls Your Dating Success

Where Do You Get Your Validation?

Unlearning Helplessness

Why We All Feel So Lonely (And What We Can Do About It)

Amwell Online Therapy

Escape from Incel: Redditor explains how he extracted himself from the toxic subculture and rejoined the real world

Listen Here
Download Here

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Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The post Episode #75 – How Do You Fix The Problem With Incels? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Dear Doc,

I’m writing to you because I think I have a problem with my girlfriend and I’m not sure how to solve it. First of all, English is not my first language so I’m sorry for any mistake in my letter.

I’ve been with her for 6 years and we moved together last year. It’s been great so far and we’re still very happy together, or at least I think we are. I’m not into the idea of marriage and family but, if I was, I’m sure she’d be the girl I’d want to spend the rest of my life with.

I think it’s perfectly normal for a couple that has been together so long to fall into a sort of “routine” and not be as passionately in love as one is in the first years of the relationship. We still have a good time together and have a regular sex life, we’re still very attracted to each other and the moving together part has been mostly good.

So my problem started a few weeks ago, when she first expressed the interest in seeing other people and having an open relationship. We discussed it a few times and she’s always the one to be more open and interested in the idea. I asked her if this was about someone else in particular and she said no, just that it was something she thought could be good for us and could “break the routine”, allowing us to have new experiences knowing that we will be stronger because of this.
She told me that she’s so sure about our relationship that she’s willing to do this because she knows she wants to be with me, it’s just about new experiences and not about me or any doubts about or relationship.

That’s all fine and it completely makes sense to me. I would potentially be interested in meeting other people and having an open relationship, but the truth is that it scares me. Rationally speaking, I know monogamy is against our nature as animals and it’s very hard to be with the same person for many years without feeling the need of exploring new things.  On the other hand, I never considered open relationships to be a good idea, and there’s where I’d really love your opinion. I don’t know anybody who’s ever been in one, but I’m afraid it might lead to heartbreak, jealousy, trust issues and breakup.

My girlfriend and I agree on the need to establish some ground rules, like no exes or no close friends. One of the rules she suggested was “no sex, just making out or fooling around”. Do you think it would be better – or less hard to tolerate? Do you have specific advice about establishing rules?

I know it’d be hard for me, but I also want to say yes to my girlfriend and try to make it work, if that’s what she wants. She brought it up four or five times already, so I’m sure it’s something she’s really thinking about. The thought of her “wanting more” scares me and upsets me, but I don’t know if it’s just pride or the realistic chance of losing her. I want to be mature about this and enjoy all the positive aspects, but I just don’t know if something like this could ever end up well for the both of us.

Thank you for you time

Opening The Door

One of the biggest – and most damaging – lies that we tell ourselves about relationships is that monogamy is natural and easy. We get told that if we really love someone, then we never think of anyone else and we never want anyone else. This cultural lie has caused more unnecessary emotional pain and trauma in relationships than… damn near any other myth we tell about relationships, really. The truth is that, we’re novelty-seeking mammals and part of the whole package is that we are literally built for multiple partners. Biological issue like the Coolidge Effect kick in and suddenly sex with the same partner doesn’t have the same zing as it did before; our brains don’t produce the same levels of dopamine and oxytocin during sex as it does with a new partner.

Now the fact that monogamy isn’t natural to us doesn’t mean that it’s bad, or wrong… just that it’s difficult. It’s perfectly normal to want to sleep with other people, no matter how much you love and desire your partner. A monogamous commitment just means that you choose not to.

But monogamy isn’t for everyone and that 7-year itch isn’t entirely bullshit. For a lot of people, there comes a point where they may love their partner… but they also want to sleep with other people.

And that’s where your girlfriend seems to be, OTD. She’s made it pretty clear that she really wants to open things up. So clear that, honestly, I’m wondering if the next time the topic comes up, it’ll be as an ultimatum, instead of a request. You, on the other hand, are pretty sanguine about it. In theory, yes, it’s an opportunity for you too. In practice, it may not be. In general, it can be easier for women in open relationships to find partners than it is for men. Women tend to be a little more cautious around men who claim to be open or poly, for good reason; many a woman has found out after the fact that the other partner in the “open” relationship had no idea about the arrangement. Men… tend to not care quite as much.

But that aside… what are the risks to your relationship? Will opening things up lead to jealousy or heartbreak? Could it lead to the end of your relationship? Sure, that’s a possibility… but then again, that’s a possibility in a closed relationship, too. Monogamy isn’t a Protection Against Break Ups spell; closed relationships fall apart just as readily and often as open ones.

By that same token, however, the same things that help preserve a closed relationship are the same things that preserve an open one: communication, intimacy, communication, gratitude, sex, and communication.

Does this mean that opening things up is a good idea for you? That’s harder to say. Just as monogamy isn’t for everyone, neither are open relationships. It takes a high level of trust and open communication to make an open relationship work; because it involves other people and the thrill of the new, it’s easy to inadvertently let your main relationship suffer while you’re caught up in that New Relationship Energy.

It’s pretty clear that you’re not really keen on the idea. But at the same time, there have been plenty of couples who started off with one partner begrudgingly agreeing to things and then starting to love it themselves. Maybe that’s you. Maybe it’s not. Only you can say.

What I will say is that you two need to do a lot of research and talking before you agree to anything. Trying to open things up when you’re unprepared is a great way to do a lot of unintentional damage to your relationship. So you and your girlfriend need to do your due diligence and a hell of a lot of studying. I strongly recommend that you start with several books: Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickart, and Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel. The first two will help give you practical advice on the best practices with regards to opening up a relationship; the third will help you understand why monogamy can be such a challenge. I also recommend Building Open Relationships by my friend Dr. Liz Powell, which is available for pre-order.

If – and this is a mighty big if – you do decide to give an open relationship a chance, then start slow. Even if you think you’re ready for things, diving in head first is often a recipe for disaster. It can be incredibly demoralizing when your girlfriend goes out and immediately finds a partner, especially when you’re still getting used to the idea.  Even just “fooling around”, might be enough to kick your soul in the nuts. Take baby steps at first: kissing and make-outs to start, and see how you feel. You may realize that you’re cool with it. Or it may be a kick in the gut at first, but with time and communication, you’ll find that you’re ok.

And it may be that you will have to ask your girlfriend to hold up while you look for a partner. If your relationship ends up functionally only open on her side, this can torpedo something that might work if things were more equitable. The fact that you are looking for a little strange doesn’t negate your responsibility to each others’ happiness and well-being.

Jealousy will happen. But if the two of you can communicate clearly, openly and with empathy and compassion, you can work through it.

This can be hard… but it could also be amazing. Only you will know if this is something that’s right for you. So do your research and do a lot of talking before you decide, one way or the other.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove: 

I recently went through an extensive security clearance update, and during that process (which, for my level of clearance is quite extensive) my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were investigated for various things.

During that investigation it was revealed that my brother-in-law had been having multiple affairs during the marriage and was currently carrying on another long term affair. I didn’t inform my sister-in-law immediately with the information, because at the time I didn’t think any good would come from it.

This week, this affair started to affect my husbands business in the form of a new secretary; she proceeded to tell everyone in the office all about her liaison with my brother-in-law, including customers. So my husband and I told my sister-in-law about the secretary… and all of the others.

Of course she has now accused us of lying and trying to profit from telling her. Not sure what we would be gaining…

Anyway, now my husband has disowned her, and I was thinking of just posting everything online and letting the chips fall where they may.

So my question is do I have someone secretly give her the photos, emails, texts, voicemail recordings etc. or do I just cut ties and let her figure it out on her own? You were definitely right when you said in a previous article that the wounded always “shoots the messenger”, even when it’s family. Any insight on how to repair this and move forward? Or is my husband right, and we should just cut ties and forget them and when my brother-in-law eventually leaves for the young girl tell her I told you so?

Caught In The Middle

My advice is to stay the hell out of it, CitM. This is humiliating enough for your sister-in-law.  It’s bad enough that her husband is cheating on her; having other people rubbing her nose in it just pours salt on an already gaping wound.

Your brother-in-law is already twenty pounds of asshole in a five pound sack and his current paramour isn’t much better. It’d be far better for your husband to apply the Chair Leg of Truth upside his brother’s head; not only is he treating his wife abominably, but it’s also spilling out into your lives as well. But your sister-in-law, unpleasant as she may be acting right now, is the victim here. I’m not surprised that she lashed out the way that she did; she’s feeling hurt and humiliated. She’s having an entirely unsurprising reaction to humiliating news; accusing you of making it all up is a defense mechanism. It’s a way of trying to force this to not be happening. She’s being incredibly unpleasant, yes, but she needs sympathy right now.

Now, if you want to give her some leverage in the divorce proceedings that she really should be initiating… well, offering her the evidence will certainly give her a leg up on the guy who’s not only cheating on her but dragging everyone else into his mess. But otherwise: keep out of it. This isn’t your fight, and the petty satisfaction isn’t going to be worth the profound pain that you’ll inflict on her if you decide to say “I told you so.”

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Agree To An Open Relationship? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve been listening to your show for a while now and really like your approach to handling communication within a relationship. I have a question for you as both a perpetual worrier and former long-term single lady. I hadn’t been dating for the better part of the previous 3 – 4 years due to past damage from bad relationships (narcissistic partners, self-esteem and self-image issues, not feeling good enough, etc.). I went to therapy and got a lot out of it: a new job, a new apartment in the city (Chicago), a pet cat and a boyfriend all during last year. It felt like a series of huge milestones and I’ve been having an amazing time with my current boyfriend ever since.

Based on the past advice of my therapist, I tried to hold back on some of the behaviors before that lead me to be too clingy which has helped out tremendously. He has different views than me politically, which I’m trying to factor in towards trying to understand him better and appreciate his history more. (I’m a Democrat from the Midwest, he’s a Conservative from the South who moved up here for work a bit ago.) We have so much fun together and get along extremely well but now that we’re at the 6 month mark, we’re getting accustomed to being at each other’s places all the time and have been considering moving in together. (Convenient as he’s my upstairs neighbor at my apartment. I know I know, it sounds weird but we both thought about it for a while before actively dating in case it would make things weird between the two of us.)

So this is the point where my question comes into play: I get caught in my own head often due to internalized self-doubt towards a lot for things like job interviews, friendships and now this. We say ‘I love you’ regularly, have an active sex life, cook together all the time, are supportive of each other, communicate openly about what’s bothering us, my parents love him and everything. But there’s still that annoying voice in the back of my head that makes me assume the worst and that ‘everything isn’t real’ and ‘I’ll just screw it up sometime soon like I always do by being too needy, clingy, distant, etc’. It’s that awful niggling feeling in the back of your mind that insists on sowing a seed of doubt that keeps building. I wish I knew how to shut it up. I don’t want to assume it’s going to end badly or anything like that, lest it become a self-fulfilling prophecy which will make both of us feel awful.

Is this a standard thing that happens after dating seriously for a while? My last long relationship ended in 2014 so I’m doing my best to break my own past habits to feel more confident and secure.

Thanks,
Anne Nonymous

You’ve got two issues going on AN, and they’re both intertwined like horny snakes.

The first is that you’ve had some bad experiences with previous partners, and they’ve left emotional scars. The second is that you have low self-esteem and it’s causing problems.

One of the things that people tend to not realize about issues like neediness is that needy behavior is almost always based around fear. Most of the ways that people act needy in relationships all revolve around assuaging fears and anxieties. This is why, for example, someone with neediness issues will over-commit to a relationship too quickly; they’re afraid that this may be their last chance for love and so they try to lock it in as quickly as possible. Always wanting to be around their partner at all times is born out of the fear that if they let their partner out of their sight for a moment, they might meet someone better.

That’s a lot of what you have going on right now, AN. You’ve been hurt before and you have a hard time believing in your own value, so you worry that your boyfriend will realize he could do better. So on the one hand, you want to cling to him like a lovesick barnacle, lest a good thing get away. On the other, you also recognize that doing so will push him away. So you try to force yourself to not be clingy.

Problem is that the clinginess is the symptom and not the cause. Trying to suppress the behavior is good, but trying to suppress the emotions that cause the behavior makes things worse. The key to actually resolving these issues is to embrace your inner kung-fu hero. As any martial artist will tell you: it’s easier to redirect force than it is to try to stop it. The same is true of negative emotions. Instead of trying to force yourself to not feel or ignore those feelings, you need to do some emotional aikido.

When you’re feeling these emotions bubble up, start by noting and naming them. What, precisely are you feeling? Is it fear, where you’re expecting a specific outcome that you want to avoid, or is it anxiety, where you’re bothered by the uncertainty of a situation? Is it jealousy, where you worry that someone will take what you have? Is it a sense of feeling worth less as a partner than other people? This can seem weird, but simply being mindful of your emotions can help dampen the negative impact on you.

Next: pay attention to the language you use to describe how you feel. Language can be deterministic and the way you talk about things directly changes how they affect you. Don’t say that you are anxious or that you are afraid or jealous; that defines your emotional state as an integral part of who you are. Instead, say that you feel anxious or jealous; feelings are inherently transitory, after all. You never feel one way all the time. Even people who suffer from chronic anxiety or phobias don’t feel them 24/7. Telling yourself that you feel, instead of you are, is a reminder that this is a temporary issue that will pass.

Now that you’ve defanged so much of the impact these feelings have, interrogate them a little. What, precisely, caused you to feel this way? Was there a particular trigger, or did it just bubble up from your subconscious out of nowhere? If it was something specific, then look at it as dispassionately as possible. Is it possible that you are looking at it in the worst possible light because that confirms your anxieties? If your friend were to describe this exact scenario as happening to them, what would you tell them? Again: mindfulness here works to help train you to recognize your triggers and how to tell when you have an actual problem and when it’s just your jerk-brain dripping poison in your ear.

Another part of how you deal with that nagging voice? Trust that things are exactly as they appear to be. Part of how low self-esteem and doubt gets you is that they make it impossible to actually believe your partner when they tell you how they feel. “This compliment doesn’t mean anything, they have to say it.” “They’re only saying that to make me feel better.” Accepting that there are no hidden agendas, that your boyfriend is being honest with you when he talks about how much he enjoys being with you, helps dilute those little drops of poison.

And finally: accept that you’re worth being loved and have a right to be happy. A lot of those negative beliefs come from believing that you aren’t allowed to love or be loved.

One caveat: if you’re still having serious doubts and or obsessive negative thoughts? Then it may be good to go back to that therapist who helped you out before.

Good luck.

Hi Doc,

In September of 2015, my girlfriend/fiancee of five years told me that she didn’t see a future for us. We talked, cried, yelled, cried again, talked again, until we finally ended things. I grabbed some things from the closet, packed them into my backpack, put my key on a shelf, and walked out of the door. 

If I’m being entirely honest, this was a long time coming. When our relationship was in its infancy, I made a few major mistakes in the form of talking to other women online in a sexual manner, and even talked to them about possibly meeting up. I never did, but that doesn’t matter. She couldn’t possibly have known that we didn’t, and she would just have to trust my word on it. However, after catching me doing this a few times, that trust had understandably dissolved.

The last time she caught me was a little over a year into our relationship. To this day, I can’t say what caused me to do this. I haven’t done it since. I chalk it up to being some kind of fucked up kink. 

Before I met my ex, I was well on my way to getting a lot of priorities in order. She even helped me reach many of my goals at the time. However, after the mistakes, I couldn’t muster up the motivation to do things. I stopped working out. I stopped putting as much effort into college. Hell, a lot of that effort was used to calm her down most days. Any argument, big or small, could set her off into thinking I may be cheating.

When things ended, I fell into a deep depression. I immediately went out and tried to find a rebound. I found a regretful one night stand, and then spent the next two years seeing neither hide nor hair of a relationship or anything resembling one. I spent night after night huddled onto my bed, binge watching Netflix while eating my sorrows away. I ran out of financial aid, and ended up having to drop out of college. I hopped from job to job, never finding anything that I felt motivated to work hard for, despite normally thinking that any job worth doing is worth doing right. 

Then, I started seeing people again. I had moved in with some roommates, and being around them helped me muster up a bit of confidence. I started seeing people again, and found this one woman who I thought was amazing. We didn’t have a ton in common, but we really enjoyed spending time together. The sex was great, the chemistry was great, but she didn’t want to have a relationship with me. She’d get to points every once in a while where she’d say she was starting to see things happening, but then she slowly stopped wanting to see me. It hit me pretty hard, because it started off really great, but fizzled out way too fast. To be fair, we were spending the night together a lot, but it wasn’t one sided. Eventually, she moved on to another “friend”, and I faded into obscurity.

My car broke down about seven months into starting a the best paying job I’d ever had. Then, I had to quit that job, because I couldn’t make it in to work. I got a job back at a place I used to work at in college, but I ended up needing to move out into a one bedroom with a coworker who bailed on me—and our job—only a couple of months into our lease. Luckily, I had started moving up at work, and I’m now able to pay for all of my bills by myself. Unfortunately, this also means that I can’t afford to save up to get another car.

For the past few months, I had been seeing someone. She was understanding, considerate, and comfortable to be around. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that attracted to her, and the sex was mediocre. It was weird. Even though we had barely started doing anything, it felt like I was at the end of a fading relationship where the passion was gone, and it was like that from the beginning. We talked about things, and she said she wasn’t really feeling anything either. So, we mutually ended things.

It’s been about a month since that ended, and I just can’t motivate myself to date or even get myself into a situation where I could date. I’ve gained back a lot of weight, but I have no motivation to exercise or readjust my diet. I keep meeting women I like, but I have no motivation or confidence to speak to them about anything other than in a casual/friendly manner. I can’t really even motivate myself to do anything except keep up with the basics. I go to work, do my weekly chores, maybe play some video games or binge a show, then I go to sleep. I hang out with friends, but most of them are couples, and the other singles in the friend group are all guys, and I’m not romantically attracted to men. I’m not as depressed as I was, but I’m still deeply unmotivated.

I just don’t know what to do to get myself motivated again. I just turned 31, and I’m worried that if I don’t figure things out soon, then I’ll just be alone for the rest of my life.

Stuck in Neutral

Y’know SiN, I think you’re in a similar boat to AN up there. You’ve had a lot of shitty things happen to you in rapid succession and it’s taken its toll on you. The problem is, unlike AN… I don’t think you’ve really stopped to process or deal with everything. That’s going to fuck with you.

Now keep in mind that Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor but… a lot of what you’re describing sounds a lot like the symptoms of chronic depression.

Depression is something I’ve wrestled with for most of my adult life, and it took a while for me to realize that I was having a problem with it. One of the mistakes that a lot of people make is that they tend to assume that depression is “the blues” when in reality, it’s often better described as “the grays”. It’s less feeling bad for yourself and more not feeling. You’re drifting through your life like a grey specter. You feel worthless, in the descriptive sense rather than the pejorative. It’s not that you’re bad – though that’s frequently part of it – but that you have no worth. Nothing is worth doing, life doesn’t have any real meaning and you just have no real motivation to do anything. You find a few things to fill the hours, even though you don’t take any joy from them, but otherwise, you just exist.

Part of what’s especially pernicious about depression is that you feel guilty about having it. You look around your life and recognize that hey, things aren’t great, but you really don’t have a reason to be depressed. Since you can’t point at any one thing that can justify those feelings, you feel like you’re doing something wrong. You feel like you should be able to just drag yourself out of it. But you can’t. And so you feel like a loser for feeling bad.

But I’m here to tell you from experience: you really can’t just grit your teeth and dig your way out. You need help. Sometimes that help is talk therapy. Other times that help comes in the form of CBT exercises. And still other times that help means medication. But the important part is getting that help.

You don’t need to be talking to a loudmouth with a blog, SiN, you need to talk to a mental health professional. Don’t worry if money is tight; most therapists will work on a sliding scale basis. If you can’t find someone in your area, you may want to try a service like Amwell and arrange sessions over Skype.

But get that help, SiN. That will help you dig your way out of the hole you’re in and help you find your motivation again.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Avoid Sabotaging My Relationships? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Recently, we’ve been talking about toxic masculinity and all of the ways that it damages men on the individual level and society on the whole. One of the enduring questions is: so what do we do about it.

Part of the way we start end the damage that toxic masculinity does and help heal some of the pain is to talk openly and honestly about some of the issues that come bundled in the toxic masculinity package. And one of the biggest issues is the topic of sex – especially how it affects men who aren’t having it.

A lot of people – men and women both – feel ashamed of being virgins, and honestly, the way we treat virginity is profoundly fucked up. And it can be especially troubling for male virgins because there’s a lot of cultural bullshit caught up in masculine identity and sexuality. Sex is a core component of toxic masculinity; your value and measure of a man is in how much sex you have and how often you have it. If you haven’t had any… well, are you really a man at all?

It’s time to talk about the shame, the stigma and the frustration that comes from being a virgin when you don’t want to be.

Show Highlights:

• How our brains drive our frustration with being virginity
• Why toxic masculinity is behind the shame of being a male virgin
• How society creates pressure to lose your virginity as soon as possible
• Whether being a virgin is a turn-off to women
• Why there’s no such thing as “too late”

…and so much more

Related Links:

The 20, 30 and 40 Year Old Virgin

The “Problem” With Male Virginity

The Virgin’s Guide To Great Sex

Sex For Beginners

How To Be An Amazing Kisser

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

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Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The post Episode #76 – The Virginity Paradox appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Hi Doc. First, I started reading your stuff about a year ago, and it’s been a big help to me. I do have some issues that I’d like to ask about though, but I should probably start with some backstory.

I’m a 23 year old man, whom has suffered chronic general and social anxiety, three bouts of major depression, and years of constant bullying (middle and high school). I also have some (okay, lots) of issues with perfectionism and negative self talk, though I’m actively working on those. But for all that, I made good grades, earned scholarships, and just graduated with my bachelor’s degree.

The last eight months have been some of the happiest of my life, even during what was the most stressful year of my college career. Why? After years of rejection, bitterness, more rejection, self loathing, and finally despair, I found a girl. Rather, she found me, on a site I had given up on. We started talking, and we had (have) so much in common. We understand each other’s humor, and also each other’s baggage (she has social anxiety issues as well). It’s even been worth going long distance, though we really only get to see each other about every two weeks, since she still has several years of higher ed ahead of her. But we also talk extensively every single day.

Our relationship, has, admittedly, moved at a frankly glacial pace compared to everyone else; I’m not complaining, just saying how it is. We didn’t have our first kiss until… I don’t know, our ninth date? Anyway, literally every single thing, every step that we take, is a first for both of us. I had never gotten a second date with anyone before her, much less kissed a girl. I really like her, maybe even am starting to love her, but I’m feeling dissatisfied with our level of intimacy, and also feeling ashamed for feeling dissatisfied. We’ve had a grand total of six kisses, and I’m always really conscious of her feelings and ask first, and always accept no as an answer, even if it smarts. Though not nearly as much as it does when she seems to hesitate before answering, which is really confusing as well as painful. It makes me worry she’s only agreeing because she thinks it will keep me happy (Though she was the one who instigated the first kiss, after I had backed off for about a month after I asked and she said she wasn’t ready yet). I feel dirty, greedy, selfish, because I really want to spend more time kissing her (and hopefully other things someday), even though I really love our conversations. But if something doesn’t change… I don’t know. I feel unwanted, undesirable, and… yeah.

The worst part is, when I try to voice the subject, I literally croak (seriously, it feels like my whole throat closes up), and I can’t get out a single word. Because I’m terrified that this amazing girl will think I’m only after one thing and she, the (frankly) happiest thing in my life (for all of this, that is) will leave. And numbers or no numbers, I don’t like my odds of meeting someone else (who likes me back) before I’m in my 30s.

I have zero expectations of her, but my desires keep getting louder in my head. And I’m trying very hard not to be disgruntled that just last week, she asked me down for the weekend to help housesit for her parents, and that in two whole days, we didn’t kiss until I was getting in the car to leave. That bugs me WAY more than sleeping in completely separate rooms. I’m not trying to suggest, ask, much less push for too high a degree of intimacy (I don’t think). And of course, I still feel guilty that this bugs me in the first place. The only (half) comfort is that she admits (by text, I think because of her anxiety) that she “really, really, really” likes me, and that she’s sorry “if it doesn’t always seem like that” because she “sucks at showing emotion and super fucking awkward at expressing affection”.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I keep from clamming up long enough to talk about these things (if I should talk about them in the first place)?

So, yeah, this is all one tangled up mess of emotions on my part, that I have zero baseline for. I’m in the Pacific without a paddle, and any advice you have to offer on any of this would be great, because I’m f*cking clueless.

Thanks,
Molasses In January

Let’s roll this one from the top, MIJ:  there is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with wanting physical intimacy. That desire is 100% valid and legitimate. You’re not being greedy or perverted or selfish or disgusting because you want to make out with someone you’re attracted to. You’re a human with a sex drive and you want your romantic relationship to have a sexual component as well. And honestly, sexual satisfaction is an important part of any romantic relationship. If one partner’s needs aren’t being met – or if their needs are being overridden by their partner’s, for that matter – then that relationship is going to fall apart pretty damn quickly.

So the fact that you’re frustrated and wanting more is completely understandable and completely legit.

But unless your girlfriend is secretly Jean Grey or Betsy Braddock, she has literally no way of knowing that you feel this way. And since you aren’t David Haller or Charles Xavier, you don’t really know how she’s feeling either. For all you know, you’re both sitting there wishing that the other would freaking say something about the physical side of your relationship.

Since neither of you are telepaths, the only way this is going to change is if one of you actually opens your mouth and make the words fall out. And since somebody’s gotta be the first person to start the conversation, it may as well be you.

Now I get it: trying to express a need, especially when you’re worried that you don’t have the right to feel this way, can be intimidating. You’re understandably worried that if you draw attention to the problem, then your entire relationship is going to explode. But by the same token, nothing is going to change, either.

Here’s what you need to do MIJ. You need to have The Awkward Conversation, in all it’s glory. This means that you need to go into it knowing that this is going to be awkward, acknowledging the awkward and pushing through the awkward. Here’s how it works:

First, you need to schedule the talk with your girlfriend. This is important because you need to block out time to actually hash this out when you won’t be interrupted or have to rush things. Start with saying “hey, I really want to talk about our relationship and where it’s going. Nothing’s wrong, I just want to check in with you about things. Can we get together on $DATE at $TIME and talk?”

Next, you want to lay things out in order:

1. Acknowledge that this is going to be a little awkward for you because you’re nervous to bring this up and you may need a little time to get through it.
2. Tell her why you’re nervous – you are feeling awkward about bringing this up because you’re worried that she’s going to judge you, be upset, think that you only want sex… whatever the exact fear is that’s keeping you from just saying whatever it is you need to say.
3. Explain how you feel; in this case, that you love this relationship with her but you feel like there’s a physical component that’s missing. You want to be respectful of her boundaries and limits, but you also want more than you’re currently doing. Make sure that you explain it in terms of why this is important to you and how you’re feeling. Be sure to frame it as how you feel, not how she makes you feel. This is your issue, not hers.
4. Explain what you’d like to be different – in this case, being more physically intimate.
5. Explain how you feel this would improve things.
6. Say “… and how about you?”

Now step back and listen to what she has to say. Give her the same space and courtesy that she’s just given you and let her share her side of things. This will likely be as awkward for her as it was for you, so be patient and let her wrestle through it without judgement.

Once you both have your cards on the table, now you’re able to find a way to move forward. This may involve some compromise or patience, or it may be that she feels exactly the same way you do and didn’t know how to express it. You may work out a way to express your affection with one another more easily, you may find yourselves having to have a couple more conversations… or you may just end up leaping on each other.

But nothing can change until you communicate with one another. So sit down, grit your teeth and use your words. The Awkward Conversation may be uncomfortable, but if you can muscle your way through to the other side, your relationship will be stronger and better for it.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I would first like to thank you for creating a blog which helps men navigate the dating world in such a non-toxic and positive way. Your advice regarding nutrition, dress, and internal validation has helped transform me from a 22 year old virgin into someone with a stable sex life.

However, lately I’ve been “falling off the wagon” in regards to my self esteem: my most recent causal encounter started off ok but on the way back home and during pillow talk she kept asking me about 20 questions regarding what I thought of her. These ranged from “Why would a white guy find a black woman attractive?” (which she said she was just seeing if I had a weird fetish) to “What made you think you had a chance?” (She was talking to a very drunk burly guy and thin scrawny me happened to peak her interest). She was legit grilling me so I flipped it on her asking “Hey wait, don’t you believe you deserve a guy like me?” and she flat it answered “not really.”

Under normal circumstances a guy would be infatuated by that, but to me, I thought to myself  “So wait, you would’ve just went home with anyone simply because they acknowledged you?! Not for personal fun, but status?!”

My only previous partner was a Russian girl whom I’ve spent a wonderful 3 months with before she decided to call it quits. She believed she was “asexual unless she’d had a beer” due to nervousness (which I believe given her previous statements about how she was feeling) and we’re still friends.

But sometimes, I get second thoughts like “Oh woohoo, I only bring home desperate women,” “Girl #1 was only having a confused identity crisis” or “Self esteem? More like self-delusion!” I find that these thoughts are an absolute anathema to everything I’ve worked to achieve lately, yet, they’re here and are giving me a hard time.

My wingwoman reassures me that this isn’t the case, and 90% of the time I stay positive, but I believe that the disgusting humans-can-be-ranked ideology that my most recent partner had expressed somehow managed to rub off on me and is making me second guess my self-worth, even after I went through so much to accomplish unconditional self-love.

With this in mind, how would a newbie cope with such a situation?

If it’s relevant, I was also diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, which makes it difficult to read certain social cues.

Patient Zero

First of all, PZ, I want to say congratulations! You’ve made some serious progress and you should absolutely be proud of how far you’ve come. You’ve developed some skills and confidence and that’s awesome… which is why it’s a shame that you’re letting your own doubt bring you down.

Here’s what’s going on, PZ: she’s trying to reassure herself that you actually like her. Her low self-esteem has convinced her that she’s undesirable and that the only reason why a guy would go for her is because either he has a race fetish or because he thought she was beneath him and an easy score. Then this cool guy rolls in, apparently not even intimidated by the drunk burly dude talking to her and makes his interest known? She’s got that voice in the back of her head saying “It’s a trap!”

She’s not saying that she’d’ve gone home with anyone, she’s trying to figure out why a guy as together and awesome as you was into her. That’s not someone desperate, that’s someone who thinks you’re awesome and has a hard time believing you’d think she was awesome too.

Sometimes you just have to accept that hey, maybe you’ve got it going on, even if your own jerk-brain is telling you otherwise. Stop letting other people’s self-doubt throw you, PZ; it’s not that they’re desperate, it’s that they recognize your value but can’t find their own. That’s all.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell My Girlfriend I Need Sex? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Hi, Dr. NerdLove;
Thanks for the wonderful column.

I… have a problem with disappearing and I think I need the Chair Leg of Truth. I keep having to deal with other people’s very, very inconvenient crushes on me. 

Example #1: I gave up my the forums of my beloved hobby when Married Sad Boner Dude “fell in love” with me. He refused to stop talking about how in love with me he was, or work on his relationship with his wife, so I faded. Not before he threatened to kill himself and implied that I, his True Love could save him by encouraging him to make an intercontinental move to court me.

Example #2: I moved away from my hometown when College Experiment with Heterosexuality Sad Boner Dude was “uncomfortable” with the fact that I insisted upon living near him (which is to say: living with my mother, two hours away). I’m not attending reunions and I donate anonymously to my college, because OMG what if the poor dear gets triggered by seeing my name the way he was when he saw me from the train that one day? (To be fair, we did have a serious case of the zombie relationship, and I don’t blame him for being relieved to see my toxic-to-him ass retreating.) I gave up all my college friends that had any association with him, too. That hurts to this day.

Example #3: I started working remotely when Sad Boner Co-Worker got a crush on me and started acting in a frightening and quasi-stalkery manner. Good luck advancing in my career without being allowed to come into the office more than once a month!

Example #4: I faded from a local con and skipped the workshop I’d paid for last year when Sad Boner Dance Dude decided that I was The One and refused to let me talk to my friends and tried to follow me to my hotel at 3 a.m. I am going back to that con this year. Maybe. I dunno.

Example #5: I just f-locked the archives and all entries for the foreseeable future on my blog, which was middling popular, because another Married Sad Boner dude kept defiantly trampling my boundaries, getting angry when I refused to chat with him while I was busy at work or at dinner with my daughter, trying to sexually dominate me and requesting to see my ass on video chat.

Doctor Nerdlove, I don’t know what to do.

I am RIGHT UPFRONT about being lesbian, about not being even remotely interested in romantic relationships and kind of disgusted by sex with anyone but myself. By PUA standards, I’m a Midwest two when I make the effort, and I never, ever make the effort. I guess I’m kind and friendly and a little funny, and I try to appreciate how awesome every individual is in their own right, but I mention that I’m not available or interested in romance in any way, shape or form. I’ve even tried not bringing it up. That makes it worse. Not saying “not interested” at the beginning and end of every sentence to a Sad Boner Dude feels like he’s going to pounce and say, “Aha! You didn’t say ‘Simon Says,’ NOW YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME. Or at least let me call you my fiancée until I lose interest and wander off.”

The worst thing is, these are good men. They’d be horrified if they read this letter. They’d write me eight-page SAD PANTSFEELS LETTERS about how it wasn’t like that! If you publish this letter, readers of yours will be curling up like they’ve been nutkicked because they’ve done something that remotely resembles this and they feel personally attacked.

But for me, it is like that. Suicide threats. Being followed at night. Getting cornered at the office by a nightmarish 6’3″ ex-cop who keeps telling everyone about how women make shit about abuse up, who then turns up in your parking lot at one in the morning blaring Barry White because he “finds you attractive.” Getting badgered because I’m hanging out with my family instead of worshiping the boner, even though a boner, for me, is a Lovecraftian Elder God with whom I want no truck. Eight-page SAD PANTSFEELS letters.

How do I prevent guys getting crushes on me and mistaking them for an excuse to ignore clearly stated boundaries? Look, I’m sure women do this too, but it’s not a problem I’ve run into with women. And for that matter, what do I do with these Sad Boner Men? When guys do get crushes on me, is there a more constructive response than “three strikes, and I run screaming, because it’s super-mean to exist and not want to be someone’s prize, even though I’ve skipped to the end of that particular book and, spoiler, horrific ruins for everyone and no-one has any fun getting there and the car chases suck”? It feels like I’m cruel to keep visibly existing, but it’s almost always in my own space. Also, I feel like this is one of the reasons you don’t see women in male-dominated fields: there’s this thing where guys fixate on women and the women leave. I really hate the thought of contributing to that. I want to grow a spine, but dang. It’s mean to them and sometimes feels dangerous to me to hang around. I want my blog back. I want my forums back. My mom wants me to visit her.

Is there something I’m missing here? I already carry a taser. Or am I being unreasonable? You’d tell me if I was being unreasonable, right?

Thanks,

The (Vanishing) Villain in the Rom Com

Let’s get this out of the way up front, VVRC: there’s really nothing you can do to prevent someone else from feeling things. Unless you’re secretly Killgrave, you can’t control other people’s emotions or feelings. You can lay out the reasons why you’ll never, ever, ever be into them. You can tell them all the reasons why trying to pursue you is a horrible idea. But at the end of the day, people have free will. That means that people are capable of choosing to make incredibly stupid decisions – even when everyone else is yelling at them not to.

Sometimes it’s a case of dudes who’re choosing to chase someone they instinctively know are “safe” – people who they know will never love them, so they never have to deal with the paradoxical fear of success. Other times, they feel like “saving” someone is the way to “earn” a relationship. It doesn’t matter that there’s nothing to actually “save” her from – they see things like being asexual or aromantic as a mighty quest. And it certainly doesn’t help that we grow up steeped in pop culture that tells us persistence and stalker-like behavior are the keys to women’s hearts.

Now with that in mind, one of the things I’m always saying is “once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action something you’re doing wrong.” When somebody is dealing with a recurring issue with people in their lives, they need to start looking at what all of those relationships have in common. And sometimes the only common denominator is… well, you. I’m not saying that you’re doing anything wrong, per se, but it’s worth examining the similarities with those men and your relationship with them. If, for example, you’re dealing with people who are poorly socialized or who are extremely awkward, then you may have your first indicator of what’s wrong. There are some people who will take any sign of friendliness as romantic interest and create a massive fantasy about how you are Their One True Love out of thin air. It doesn’t matter that they’re the wrong gender or that sex is completely off the table for you; it’s their fantasy and you’re stuck going along for the ride.

Or it could well be that behavior you see as friendly is coming off as flirting with intent. There’re plenty of people who didn’t realize that what was normal behavior in their small social circle would be seen as a mating call anywhere else. If, for example,  you’re an especially touchy-feely person or someone who likes having cuddle-buddies, you might be confusing people who try to gloss over your homosexuality or asexuality with dickful thinking. This is a time when it is useful to check in with friends. How would they describe your behavior with these dudes? Is it exactly as you’re saying? Or are you giving off the wrong signals, signals you may not even realize exist?

But sometimes it really isn’t anything you’re doing. You could be sending off every “piss off” signal in the world and they’d blithely ignore it all.

Unfortunately, the answer may well lie in adjusting where you spend your time and who you spend your time with. If this is so consistent, you may have to dial back any friendliness and work on your Resting Bitch Face until you can be assured that you’re dealing with someone who’s got their emotional shit together. It may also mean that you have to be less open to friends until they’ve proven themselves to be emotionally intelligent, grown-ass adults.

This also means that you can’t be subtle or less than completely blunt with folks if you suspect that they’re starting to get pantsfeels. This means that you can’t just hint at previous girlfriends or that sex makes your skin crawl, it means stating it unambiguously. Forget the Chair Leg of Truth, you need the Mallet of Driving The Point Home. And even then, there will be people who will let their fantasies override their rational brains.

And that’s when you have to enforce your boundaries, with fire, razorwire and knives. You do a lot of running away when it may be better to go on the offensive. Someone who persists in sending you long rambling messages gets blocked. Someone acting inappropriately at work gets a report – or several – to HR. Someone who gets all BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PANTSFEELS on chat, social media or the blog gets SUPER blocked. They get introduced to your alter ego: Queen Bitch, First of Her Name, Lady of Don’t Touch Me Or You Pull Back a Bleeding Stump. It may feel mean, but you know what? Sometimes the only way to get someone to give up on their fantasy is to stomp a muddy hole into it with the Dream-Stomping Boots of Reality. It may be cruel, but it’s kinder in the long run… to you at the very least.

None of this is easy, or particularly fun. But if this is happening so often that it chases you away from everything you do, then it’s time to spit in your hands choke up on the Chair Leg and dispensing some brutal honesty about the head and shoulders.

Good luck.

Hey Doc,

The other day, I went to a Comic-Con cosplay event. No big deal, I regularly go to these kinds of things, it’s fine. During the run-up to the event, I learned out that a former high-school classmate, “L”, is also going. Since I’d always had a minor crush on her, this struck me as an awesome opportunity. I think maybe we can catch up, reminisce, whatever.  But when the night rolled around, I ended up freezing in place instead.

I thought I was prepared, but during the qualifier for the cosplay championship started, I watched L make an astounding entrance, all  dressed up and ready to rock! I tried to talk, but I choked. I couldn’t handle the  double-whammy of a) seeing her on stage like a celebrity and b) for the rest of the night, she was surrounded by other people and that intimidated me.

I was fine with everyone else during the party afterwards, but  when it comes to L, it feels like I reverted back to my high school days, emotionally.  It certainly didn’t help that she had this mischievous sly grin whenever she glanced my way. Every single time it was like getting a bullet of butterflies to my gut.

A few hours after the party, I sent L a text that said that I wanted to approach her and talk, but got nervous cause of the setting. I proposed that we meet somewhere quieter.

Should I have sent that, is it weird, is it too ambiguous and should I follow up with a firm date and time?

Thanks for listening,
Flipped, Reversed, Confused

One of the things you leave out of your letter FRC, is whether you and she actually had plans to hang out and catch up or if this was just something you were hoping to make happen. If it was the former, there’s nothing wrong with saying “hey, you seemed like you were busy with an adoring crowd and I didn’t feel like it’d be a good time to catch up. Would you like to grab coffee this weekend?”

If it’s the latter… well, that’s a slightly trickier needle to thread. It’d be better to have said “Hey, I saw you at the cosplay contest, way to rock it! Wanted to come say ‘hi’ afterwards, but you were surrounded by people and I’m not great with crowds. I’d love to catch up; would you like to grab coffee and chat later on this weekend when things are less busy? How’s Sunday afternoon for you?” than to say “hey, let’s get together when there aren’t as many people around” out of the clear blue sky.

As a general rule, if you’re making first contact – or reinitiating contact after a long time apart – then it’s better to suggest a specific activity at a specific place and time. The local coffeeshop or tea house on a slow afternoon, for example, is easier to say “yes” to than just “some place quieter” and “some time”. Plus, proposing to meet some place quieter when you didn’t have previous plans and aren’t normally in contact can seem a bit much; not “I’d like to wear your flesh like a suit” weird, but a smidge presumptuous.

But it is what it is and you can’t un-send a text. So the only thing to do now is wait and see if she replies and what she says. If she says sure, then respond with a specific place and time. Otherwise? You took your shot, and it didn’t work the way you hoped. Take this as a soft “no” and resolve to not let the crowds intimidate you so much next time.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: What Do I Do About Someone Else’s Crush On Me? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

What is it that makes one person creepy and another person attractive? Why do some men set off women’s Spidey-sense while other men can do the exact same things and be perfectly fine? 

Guys – especially ones who aren’t the most socially well-calibrated – worry a lot about being creepy by accident. They worry that being a creeper, even if it’s entirely unintentional – will start be the start of a long process that begins with being called creepy and eventually leads to their dying alone in a cave because they’ve been kicked out of all society, everywhere. But what is it that can cause even seemingly perfectly normal behavior to make people feel uncomfortable… and how can you avoid it?

Show Highlights:

• Why being creepy isn’t about who’s hot and who’s not
• How society makes it harder for women to trust their instincts
• The psychology behind why certain behaviors make women uncomfortable
• What behaviors trigger women’s sense of danger and why
• The key to avoiding being a creeper

…and so much more.

Related Links:

On The Nature of Creepiness

The Science of Being Creepy

Socially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse

Yes, It’s Still Creepy When Brad Pitt Does It

How To Read Body Language

Don’t Be a Creeper

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The post Episode #77 – This Is What Makes You Creepy appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Hi Doc-

I’ve written you before and found your advice to be quite helpful! I have a situational question today and would love your eyes on it.

I recently connected with someone I’ve met briefly in the past over a dating app and hit off the conversation with her. Let’s call her Alpha. We set up a time to grab some drinks last Friday, but she canceled the day-of citing a work event she forgot she needed to attend. Not problem though, she offered to meet up either later that weekend or next week.

I mentioned that I was going to be attending a neighborhood music/art festival the next day offering to meet up if she was around. She responded enthusiastically saying how she’d like to meet up! 

I text Alpha the day of the event asking if she’d like to meet up and where she was and… nothing. Frustrated, I let it sit. She finally got back to me Sunday night explaining what she ended up doing that day/evening. I noticed the mention of her friend she went to another event with- let’s call her Epsilon.

Epsilon’s name kept sticking out when it dawned on me, I went on a date with an Epsilon who happened to work at the same (extremely large) company. In fact, I met Epsilon the same night I connected with Alpha at a large party and we went home together- yikes! The date we shared wasn’t great and, after sensing that Epsilon wasn’t interested in a second date, we never connected again. A quick peek over on Alpha’s Instagram and, yep, there the two of them are!

So, surely Epsilon mentioned all of this to Alpha, hence the sudden radio-silence that I experienced last weekend. My frustration comes from having no chance to make a case for myself. I have no clue what Epsilon said about me, but it clearly wasn’t positive. I think Alpha and I would have a fun time on a date, but I’m stuck throwing in the towel before I even start the first round. 

I don’t go on enough dates for this to be a common occurrence, so this is particularly weird. My question is, is anything salvageable here? Is there a chance to reconnect with Alpha in the future, or do I “take the L” and move along?

Sincerely,

Three’s A Crowd

There’s a saying I like, TaC; if you’re a regular reader, you may have heard me say it before:

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

This makes for a handy rule of thumb as a way to tell if, say, someone is trying to send you a message when they don’t return your calls. At the same time, it’s also useful as a way to remind yourself not to give more weight to a coincidence than the incident actually deserves. There is always going to be the temptation to look for malice or reason in the random events that occur in our lives. The idea that there’s an outside force working against us is perversely reassuring; it gives a deeper meaning to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune besides “shit happens, wear a hat.” But at the same time, the idea that there’s an intelligent force behind your misery also has the effect of absolving you of any responsibility for why things may have gone wrong.

Plus: if you try to bring it up to, say, someone you feel isn’t dating you because of gossip, you kinda look like you lined your bedroom with tin foil to keep out the spy beams.

Right now, TaC, you’re making assumptions based on facts not in evidence. Let’s look at what you actually know: the incontrovertible facts.  Alpha ghosted you. Alpha also happens to be connected to someone you went on a single date with.

That’s it. Everything else after that is pure speculation. You don’t know what sort of relationship Alpha and Epsilon have. You don’t know that Alpha ever talked to Epsilon about you, or that Epsilon even remembers who you are. For that matter, you also don’t know that anything Epsilon said – if she said anything – actually changed Alpha’s mind. These are all things that you’ve basically invented out of whole cloth. It’s possible yes, but not plausible. It’s far more plausible, likely, even, that Alpha decided on her own that she just wasn’t feeling it and, like a lot of people these days, she decided there was no real need to respond.

Which hey, kinda sucks.

But it is what it is, and the only thing you can do is just roll with it. Trying to plead your case isn’t going to go anywhere, TaC. First of all, as I said: you don’t know what actually happened. If you roll into the conversation with “I don’t know what Epsilon told you but…” then you’re going to look unhinged. Second of all, you had your chance to plead your case… when you first connected on the dating app. People who want to see you will make an effort to see you. I’ve had cases where we spent a solid month and a half with “Let’s meet up on this date! Shit, something went wrong, ok how about THIS date? No, I’ll be out of town, what about…” that eventually lead to an actual date.

Alpha just wasn’t digging you, my dude. And considering that she didn’t care enough to actually say “hey, something came up” on the day of your proposed date, asking for another chance to prove whatever scurrilous stories Epsilon may or may not have told her is unlikely to change her mind.

Acknowledge that this sucks, take the experience points, brush the dirt off your shoulder and move on.

Good luck.

Hi, Dr. NerdLove.

I love your book and podcast – it’s so clearcut and informative, and it’s really a gift for people who struggle with dating, like myself.

So here’s my dilemma. It seems that I have a history of dating emotionally unavailable women. I’ve dated a few women each year, and each time, it starts off great, we have an instant connection, and then we go on a few dates, usually getting intimate pretty quickly, and it seems that we have the chemistry for a great relationship, but then almost always after the 3-5 date mark, the woman cuts me off. Each time I’ve gotten rejected, I felt terrible thinking that I did something wrong or that I wasn’t good enough. But recently, after some time, I’ve asked a lot of these women why they stopped talking to me, and so far, most of them will say that it was all their fault and that they’d like another shot.

It seems I just keep meeting emotionally unavailable women and that I’m doing something to attract them. Even when I use online dating and don’t even initiate the conversation, I keep finding these women. Having said all of this, what do you think I should do? What am I doing that’s attracting these women? How do I change this so I find emotional available women? If you can help me out, I’d be forever grateful. Thank you!

Roadblocked

When it comes to trying to troubleshoot you love life, sometimes you need to stop and look for the commonalities, TB. What do all of those relationships and interactions have in common? Sometimes it’s a matter of never getting out of your comfort zone. Doing the same thing over and over again tends to lead to getting the same results. Other times, it’s just pure bad luck or demographics that work against you. And then sometimes the only commonality is… well, you.

When you find yourself dating the same sort of woman over and over again, whether it’s a physical type or women who’re just emotionally closed off, then that’s usually a sign that there’s something about those women that jives with you. Now this doesn’t mean that they’re people that you’re attracted to, just that there’s some aspect of them that you connect with – and not necessarily in a positive manner. People who tend to date drama bombs, for example, often do so because drama fulfills a need in them. It may make them feel important. It may be a source of excitement in an otherwise staid life. The fact that you connect so quickly with emotionally unavailable may be an issue with you and your own self-esteem. People who don’t believe they’re worthy of love, or who are actually afraid of success will often chase after partners who they know are “safe”, pursuing relationships that they know are ultimately impossible. Since they know there’s no chance of success, they don’t feel the anxiety that comes with approaching someone when there are actual stakes.

It’s worth taking a long, deep dive into these women you’ve been dating… and into yourself. Doing some serious introspection, examining how you feel about yourself and how they made you feel can be a good start. And if you are chasing after women who aren’t right for you? Then it’s a good time to stop and ask why.

And in the meantime: try pursuing relationships women you might not approach, normally. Sometimes finding out what’s wrong means doing things very differently and seeing if you get different results. But overall: the next time you find yourself starting to connect with someone, take a moment and take stock. Do you really have this incredible instant connection? Or are you repeating the same pattern over again?

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Someone Sabotage My Date? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your blog for about half a year now, as well as your new book on surviving relationships, and I gotta thank you for your pearls of wisdom, you’ve led me from not knowing the first thing about flirting to being in my first real relationship. Which is where I’m at right now, and I’m writing in hope that you could shed some light on my situation.

So about two months ago, I met a wonderful lady on an organized trip for youngsters (ages 18-23 I think). We had an amazing time on the trip, we connected on the first day quite a bit, lots of flirting and good vibes coming from both of us, then on the second day we said we’ll give it a go. We had a good time that day, we kissed on the third day (as much as we could whenever we were away from the rest of the group), then we parted. That never happened to either of us before, but we really liked each other from the start, and I suppose the stars all aligned perfectly that we just went at it without much need for barrier breaking. The trip was almost over, and we both knew it would be a bit of a challenge from then on, since we live in opposite sides of our country, about 3 hours away from each other, but we said we’ll try it anyway.

Surprise surprise! We managed to make it work, we met almost every weekend from then until now, taking one weekend off so we wouldn’t burn out too hard. We had a bunch of sex, we met each other’s families, and we’ve connected deeper and deeper. I truly think we have something special, that there’s a reason we connected so fast. I believe it’s because we align exceptionally well on some sort of spiritual level, as in even though we didn’t know each other that well, we could feel something special that words can’t describe. It’s like we just get each other intuitively, like we already met before, like our spirits are fused and now it’s up to us to make this into something beautiful. Anyway, that’s our status right now, meeting up on weekends and trying to have a good time with each other. Also we text or call each other pretty much every day, this is important context.

Now, here’s why I’m writing you: I don’t have good experience with relationships prior to this one, only bad experience. I won’t go into detail, but lots of heart-break, confusion, depression at times, basically what I assume most people go through at one point or another. The catch with me specifically is that all of that negative experience has left me without any real faith in a relationship being something constant. What I mean is I often have the feeling that my significant other could leave at any point, without explanation, without closure, without any reason other than “I don’t love you anymore”. I try to remind myself that people don’t give up that quickly or easily on the ones they love, but it’s hard to fight these emotions. In my (unrealistic, primitive) mind I just assume that there’s nothing about me that people could love over a long period of time, which (I think) is ironic because that’s what I really want out of a relationship.

So that said, I’m having such thoughts and feelings on a weekly basis, if not daily. Every time her and I text each other and the conversation doesn’t flow, I feel it. Every time I tell a joke and she doesn’t laugh, I feel it. Every time she says something and I zone out, I feel it. Not so much that I’m anxious about it, but enough that it’s starting to fuck with my psyche. I mean I still function and everything, but then something random and seemingly unimportant happens between us, and suddenly nothing is stable anymore.

On top of that, I’m scared that talking to her about this could only make things worse, because I tried to do that a little bit, and she didn’t know what to say, which is understandable. Essentially I fear that if I try to solve this with her instead of with myself, then I’d be doing both of us a dis-service. On the other hand, I don’t know whether the problem truly stems from something messed-up inside of me, or from something either of us can do to make it better.

I love this woman Doc, the way I hope to be loved. I also know that love doesn’t last forever, and that one day it will be over, but I don’t want that day to come early because of my own stupidity or complacency. I’m frustrated that I don’t know what I’m doing right or wrong, and I’m scared that that will fuck up me or our relationship. Do you believe there’s something I can do to help myself get out of this state of mind? Or do I just have to stick to it and believe in what I’m doing? Any advice would be infinitely appreciated.

Lost Soul

So here’s something a lot of advice columnists won’t tell you, LS: sometimes dating is as much a matter of luck as it is anything else. There will always be things that are completely outside of your control. In a very real way, relationships are a lot like poker. There will be times when pure chance means that you just get a series of bad hands, one right after the other and the only thing you can do is grit your teeth and play through as best you can, as quickly as you can. But, just as in poker, you have to learn how to keep your wits about you. When you start taking bad luck personally, you start to make bad decisions. Sometimes it means that you start to take chances, going in on bad calls in an attempt to pull yourself out of the hole. Other times, you end up losing your nerve, giving up a good thing because you’re convinced that your luck is about to reach out and slap you down.

But the fact that you’ve had a bad string of luck doesn’t automatically mean that the problem is with you. Relationships fall apart for a multitude of reasons, ones that often have more to do with your partner than they do with you. Dating someone who’s in the wrong stage of life, for example, can make it feel as though you’re the problem, even when you aren’t. It can leave thinking bullshit thoughts like “Well, if I were better, they wouldn’t have left,” or “If I hadn’t been so X, Y or Z, they wouldn’t have fallen out of love with me.” But in reality: the reason why things fell apart is because they were the wrong person.

That’s where you are right now, LS; you’ve got a good thing going, but you’re letting a run of bad luck screw with your head. And in fairness, when it comes to love, it can be hard not to take bad luck personally; after all, you’re the common denominator in all of your relationships. When you get hurt enough times, it’s very easy to start to feel as though you’re helpless. You become so scared of being hurt again that you end up paralyzed, anticipating the pain before it even happens. And, the cruel irony is that this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy; believing that you aren’t deserving of love tends to make people sabotage their own relationships. They react to the potential of being rejected instead of what is actually happening. They push their partners away because they refuse to believe that he or she is being real with them when they say that they care.

And when things do fall apart because of all of this… well, that just reinforces the meme that you’re unworthy or undeserving of love and happiness.

Now while my standard advice is to unpack some of these issues with an actual therapist instead of a loudmouth with a blog, I do have a suggestion that can help you to unlearn this sense of helplessness: take every little positive interaction with your girlfriend as a victory. Each little moment you have – the comfort of how she fits in your arm, the way she sighs when you kiss her – are all microrevolutions; they’re tiny wins against the forces of self-doubt and self-loathing. The way she breathes in the scent of you when she moves in close is a reminder of how far you’ve come and how much she desires you. And when you have those moments of panic – the dread of “oh god she didn’t text back immediately, she must hate me,” – you remind yourself of those little microrevolutions. They’re the signs that all is right in the world and these moments are just that: moments. They’re little glitches that you’re blowing up into major malfunctions instead of just the randomness of every relationship. These microrevolutions are the balm against the anxiety; they talk you down enough that your logical brain can override the panic and remind you that she didn’t text back because she’s busy. She didn’t laugh because the joke didn’t land right, not because she’s getting ready to dump you.

The other thing you need to do though? Trust her enough to talk to her. Let her know that sometimes you get little twinges of insecurity. You know that it’s irrational, but sometimes these little irrational moments flare up out of nowhere. And while you don’t need it every time – it’s not her responsibility to manage your emotional state – there’re times when it flares up enough that you’d appreciate a little extra sweetness and reassurance.

And you know what? She’s going to let you know that she gets just as anxious at times. She’s going to have the same random insecure moments. And at those times, she could use your comfort too.

You’ve got a good thing going here, LS. You just need to learn to trust your girlfriend enough to let go of those past hurts and embrace what you have.

You’re going to be ok. I promise.

Hi Doc, 

I have been following your posts for a while now and has helped me in many situations, but I need your help with something incredibly hard.

I have been in a relationship for almost a year now. During this time my girlfriend has done things that have made me lose trust in her. I gave her couple of chances, and she really tried her best to make our relationship work. She stopped talking to her guy friends and was really open to me. But my incapability to trust her again slowly changed my feelings towards her. I felt I don’t love her anymore. It doesn’t help that my family is against me dating her. So, I decided to end things with her.

She doesn’t want to break up and is begging me to give her another chance and work this out. She says she really needs me and has never felt like this about another man before. She thinks I am her soul mate. I feel really guilty that I hurt her and makes me very sad. She says she will wait for me however long that takes and keeps loving me.

What do I do?

Pulling The Trigger

Look, PTT, I’m going to level with you: you can’t really break up with someone and not hurt them. Break ups, even the most amicable ones, hurt. It’s the end of a relationship and that’s always going to sting, even just a little. The only thing you can do is cause as little unnecessary hurt as you can on the way out. And what you’re doing now? That’s causing pain that you don’t need to cause.

It can be hard to break up, even when you know it’s what needs to be done. But drawing it out makes it so much worse for everyone. If you’re going to end things, then you need to do it as quickly and cleanly as possible. The sharp pain fades the quickest and the clean break heals fastest. If you feel bad about hurting your soon-to-be ex, then you need to do the kind thing and make it fast. Don’t talk it out, don’t stick around to argue about the whys and wherefores. Just tell her it’s over, that you’re sorry, you wish the best for her and go. If you truly don’t want to hurt her, then you need to be firm. More than that just prolongs the pain.

Good luck.

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Keep My Anxiety Under Control? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Everyone and their dog will tell you that confidence is sexy, it’s probably the oldest trope in dating advice besides “just be yourself”. And, in fairness… they’re right. Confidence is an important part of being attractive, and not having confidence is going to hold you back.

Of course, nobody ever tells you just how you’re supposed to get that confidence. It’s easy to talk about being confident when you already feel it. When you don’t… well, as far as dating advice goes, “just be more confident” is about as useful as telling someone “it’s easy to fly; all you have to do is throw yourself at the ground and miss!”

But what makes it even harder to develop your self-confidence is that a lot of people don’t understand what confidence actually is.

This week, it’s time to break down what confidence is, what it isn’t and 5 tips that you can use right now to unlock powerful, unshakable self-confidence.

Show Highlights: 

• The mistake that people make that makes it impossible to build their own self-confidence
• Why even the most accomplished people may not feel confident
• What unconfident men all have in common
• How you sabotage your own self-confidence
• Why failure is the key to confidence

…and so much more.

Related Links:

Learn To Be More Confident

Find Your Swagger

How To Discover Your Style

Dump Your Toxic Friends

How To Avoid Self-Sabotage

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The post Episode #78 – 5 Tips To Unlock Powerful Self-Confidence appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.